


This is So Sad, Azura sing Lost in Thoughts All Alone

by Lord_Berkut



Series: Fire Emblem Heroes Crack [4]
Category: Fire Emblem Heroes, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Super Smash Brothers
Genre: 3H has me fucked up, Accidental Coming Out, Acephobia, All the gods smoke weed on the weekends, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anthony is my trash gremlin and I love him, Baby Boomer Seteth Memes, Berkut is the #1 ally and no one can stop me, Black Eagles is mlm/wlw solidarity, Cecilia is an asshole, Chatting & Messaging, Chickens, Cyril wasn’t meant for this world, Don't worry none of the main characters are that or Reinhardt will be fighting, ELIWOOD IS ELIGOOD, Everyone Is Gay, Except for a few token straights, F!Byleth is Blair, Ferdinand is a brony, Fodler Brothers club, Gay Ashe, Gay Linhardt, Genderfluid Ashe, I yeet thots out faster than I’d yeet out mineta, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, It's Lukas' half brother and father and they were dicks anyways, KFC, Ken and Sam keep sneaking into all of my works istg, Lyon is a good boi, M!Byleth is Blythe, Manuela is a fucking cougar change my mind, Marijuana, Memes, Minecraft, Multi, Mute Byleth, Not Canon Compliant, Not even a week into the game and I have an otp that doesn't happen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Out of Character, References to Dick Pics, Selective Mute M!Byleth, Solarian!Seliph, Spoilers, Stoner Palutena, Sylvain won’t stop sending cursed images, The Julius here is a sweetheart. The jackass is Yurius, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trans Knoll, Trans Male Character, Unwanted dick pics at that, Verdant Wolves are fucking stoners led by albino berkut, Vines, and Sam has to provide the munchies bc they get so stoned no one can move, characters who aren't in heroes also appear, cursed images, deviantart images, except laev and laeg., it's Loki, its bc he doesn't feel comfortable in such a body but every main villian wants him to seduce people, poly ships, rarepairs, they cool with loki the way he wants to be, unwanted nudes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2019-10-30 17:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 63
Words: 21,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17833226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lord_Berkut/pseuds/Lord_Berkut
Summary: 2 CHAPTERS 1 DAY I'M HYPED FOR MORE BEASTS





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [2BA MASTER Chat](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16367072) by [kopycat_101](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kopycat_101/pseuds/kopycat_101). 



**Shade** has added **Reinhardt, Lukas of the Deliverance, Prince Berkut, Anthony, Deftater Peeler** and 99+ others to the chat!

 

 **Shade** has renamed the chat to **This is so sad, Azura sing Lost in Thoughts all Alone**

 

Berkut: SHADE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IT'S 3 AM

 

Shade: I figured this way we can spread important info and data from battles faster

 

Berkut: BUT NOT AT 3 AM GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP

 

Shade: There are children in this chat

 

Ike: Well there goes all my plans of sleeping in to avoid fantastical fitness hour

 

Eliwood: Mood™

 

Shade: OMG YOU LEARNED MY SLANG

 

Shade: Eliwood is the tru dad friend

 

 **Shade** has changed **Eliwood's name** to **Tru Dad**

 

Tru Dad: Thanks Shade. Now get some rest, I know your anxiety keeps you up at night.

 

Shade: Good Night

 

Tru Dad: Sweet Dreams

Shade is now Idle

Berkut: h o w??????

 

Tru Dad: Nini and Roy IG

 

Tru Dad: Plus experience from myself. Nothing I need to ramble on at 3 am

 

Ike: Whatever. Shade won't mind if I add a couple of my bros from smash?

 

 **Ike** has added **Richter Belmont** , **Pit Icarus** and **Daisy Sarasa** to the chat!

 

 **Ike** has changed his name to **RADiant Hero**

 

Richter: the fuk Ike. It's 2 am over here.

 

RADiant Hero: Blame my insomniac summoner. She started this.

 

RADiant Hero: Also Tru Dad is Eliwood aka Roy's dad

 

Tru Dad: Hello!

 

Richter: I can smell the dad friend smell off of him.

 

RADiant Hero: Plus Anthony misses you. A lot.

 

Frederick: WHY IS EVERYONE DISTURBING MILORD'S SLEEP!?

Richter is now offline

Tru Dad is idle

RADiant Hero is idle

Berkut: I'm trying to fucking sleep so beats me.

Berkut is idle

 

Frederick: Yeesh....

 

 **Anthony** has changed **Frederick** 's name to **Frederick Kruger**

Anthony is offline

 

Frederick Kruger: This'll be a disaster won't it?

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2 CHAPTERS 1 DAY I'M HYPED FOR MORE BEASTS

Anthony: So I'm just gonna slip the new heroes into the chat

Anthony has added **Kaden, Keaton, Velouria** and **Selkie** to the chat!

 **Anthony** has renamed the chat **FURRIES UNITE**

Gaius: Woah woah kid u forgot someone

 **Gaius** has added **Panne** to the chat!

Shade is online 

**Shade** has renamed the chat **This is so sad, Azura sing lost in thoughts all alone**

Shade: Anthony we don't change the name.

Anthony: But new heroes!

Anthony: And their furries!

Gaius: Panne is a taguel. Not a furry

Keaton: Kid, the term is wolfskin and kitsune

Shade: This is what happens when you expose this pure child to the internet

Shade: Also your waifu has 7 alts

Keaton: how do u know?

Shade: She ded ass told me she was into you

RADiant Hero: O O F

 **RADiant Hero** has changed **Keaton's** name to Titmilla Sucker 

RADiant Hero: I think that fits.

Lon'qu: The fuk did I miss since you people want to be up @3am

Shade: Nothin much

Frederick Kruger: Shade, we need to put a limit on who can change names.

Shade: Lissa got your tongue?

Anthony is now offline 

Lon'qu: That explains it.

Reinhardt: Morning! <(^.^)>

Reinhardt: Shade, new announcement

Shade: Anthony told me by renaming the chat into something bout furries.

Gaius: Furry porn?

 **Shade** has changed **Gaius** ' name to **Rabbit Furry Fucker**

Reinhardt: S H A D E

Shade: I know what goes on Gaius.

Shade: I have the power of the Helix Fossil and anime on my side.

Shade: Also mood name Frederick.

Chrom: Why is the device pinging so rapidly?

Shade: Notifications. Mainly for important stuff

 **Reinhardt** has changed **Chrom's** name to **Shitty Ike clone**

 **Shitty Ike clone** : Rude

 **Shitty Ike clone** has changed his name to **Google Chrom**

Google Chrom: Much better

Richter: Should I even ask?

Shade: How did you even get in here?

Richter: @RADiant Hero

RADiant Hero: rude thanks

 **RADiant Hero** has changed **Richter's** name to **A MISERABLE PILE OF SECRETS**

Shade: Nah it needs to be more appropriate

 **Shade** has changed **A MISERABLE PILE OF SECRETS** name to **Alucard's Whore**

Alucard's Whore: ok FIRST OF ALL

Shade: You like vampire dick.

Google Chrom: @Sigurd, this guy's getting roasted harder than you at the Bellhalla BBQ

Sigurd: Fuck off Chrom

Arvis: I was going to make a comment but then I realized this thing will fall apart on itself

Sigurd: Like your marriage TO MY WIFE and YOUR HALF SISTER!?

Arvis: I TOLD YOU I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH @Fjorm NOW!

Shade: Don't drag her into this. I know you want to fuck each other.

Reinhardt: S H A D E W H A T T H E A C T U A L F U C K

 **Reinhardt** has banned **Shade** from **This is so sad, Azura sing lost in thoughts all alone.**

Reinhardt: Now maybe the chat will be more civilized.

Reinhardt: Or at least calm down till Shade can control herself.

Reinhardt has changed Alucard's Whore's name to Richter

Reinhardt had changed Rabbit Furry Fucker's name to Gaius

Gaius: Tiny hands how did you even ban the creator of the chat?

Google Chrom: Don't get mad about the hands thing, he just calls everyone by a nickname.

Anthony is online 

Anthony: Dude, I saw the entire thing. How are we this messed up?

Arvis: H????

Anthony: When I was hiding from Frederick, Lissa was able to show me how this thing imploded on itself.

Anthony: Like Shade's self esteem.

Berkut: WHO DOES THIS SASSY CHILD BELONG TO?!

Google Chrom: Prolly u fucker

Arvis: F

Sigurd: F

Gaius: F


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now with more sex jokes

Reinhardt: Ok now that Shade is gone we need to establish rules. We’re keeping the name, but we need to restrain the swearing. Especially if Anthony is here.

 

Anthony: But i say the F word all the time.

 

Berkut: *spits out dick*

 

Berkut: I MEANT DRINK

 

Lon’qu: Right….

 

**Lon’qu** has changed **Berkut’s** name to **Dick Drinker**

 

Reinhardt: WAIT WHAT F WORD!? WHO TAUGHT YOU TO SWEAR!?

 

Anthony: Fergalicious

 

Lon’qu: Crisis averted. Now can we add Shade back?

 

Reinhardt: Hold on a sec, she forgot to add the Askr trio

 

**Reinhardt** as added **Prince Alfonse, Princess Sharena, Commander Anna** and **Shade** to the chat!

 

**Shade** has removed **Prince Alfonse** and **Commander Anna** from the chat

 

**Shade** has banned **Prince Alfonse** and **Commander Anna** from This is so sad, Azura sing Lost in Thoughts All Alone

 

Shade: Too buzzkilly for me man. 

 

Sharena: No wonder you didn’t hold me back from calling him a cockatoo.

  
  
Shade: Nice nickname Berkut. Did Fernand set it up?

 

Dick Drinker: No, your shit.

 

Shade: My what?

 

**Dick Drinker** has changed **Lon’qu’s** name to **Shade’s Taco Bell Shit**

 

Shade: Ok i just went through the chat and…

 

Shade: How does this child know about Fergalicious?

 

Shade: And my emotional issues?

 

Shade: Also petition to keep Keaton’s name as Titmilla sucker

 

[Shade has sent Something About Castlevania Animated. Mpv]

 

Shade: @Richter

 

Shade: I found your grandpa’s sex tape.

 

Richter: That’s not even a sex tape?

 

Shade: But it sounds like it.

 

**Reinhardt** has muted **Shade** from This is So Sad, Azura sing lost in thoughts all alone

 

Reinhardt: Also that voice clip was that OG Richter voice?

 

Richter: Maybe… Puberty’s wierd

 

Lyn: If you think about it, funerals are just family reunions but with one less member and a lot more hate

 

Richter: And u are????

 

Lyn:

 

Lyn: 

 

Lyn: 

 

Anthony: Run

 

**Reinhardt** has unmuted **Shade**

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A moment to pay respects for the new chapter (SPOILERS)

Shade: A moment of silence for the lost of Gustav. Press F to pay respects

 

Lon’qu: F

 

Raquesis: F

 

Tiki: F

 

Reinhardt: F

 

Gustav: But I’m not even dead?

 

Shade: @Sharena I don’t remember inviting your dad to the chat. Also @Gustav how are you alive? We saw your head get cut off by Rita Repulsive.

 

Eir: @Shade you should be suprised how efficiently @Lyon helped me make a random corpse look like him.

 

Shade: Someone explain to me what’s going on 

 

???: Hel might be death itself but I command death. So Hel is essentially my bitch.

 

Shade: Ok who are you and why is your name blurred like that.

 

???: I cannot reveal that at this time. L8r nerds

 

Shade: Was that Lyon?

 

Lyon: No I’m right here…

 

Shade: *thinking emoji*

 

Eir: Well at least we have one less body count on our hands?

 

Shade: Yeah. Still doesn’t explain where my orbs went.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ram Squad unite!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No Greil or Ike... But Gray showed up

**Alm** has added **Gray** to the chat

 

Alm: @Kliff @Tobin @Faye @Lukas @Celica 

 

Alm: Look who showed up!

 

Alm: Ram squad!

 

Gray: Ram Squad!

 

Kliff: I can’t even hear you and I know you two are chanting in unison

 

Gray: Shut Up Kliff. 

 

Tobin: Ha!

 

Lukas: Settle down guys, let them be happy

 

**Alm** has changed **Lukas’** name to **Mom**

 

Mom: @Reinhardt

 

Mom: We seemingly have adopted like 5 or 6 kids

 

Reinhardt: Make that 8

 

Reinhardt: I may or may not have adopted Anthony and Berkut

 

Mom: What the actual fuck 

 

Faye: That’s GRAYt guys, you made Gray come home and Lukas swear bc of you

 

Celica: Mood

 

Celica: @Conrad

 

Celica: Make it 9. If I’m adopted, then Conrad is adopted. 

 

Conrad: Celica no!

 

Alm: We’ve gotta better mom than Commander Mom

 

Reinhardt: istg Alm. I don’t want to be at her blade at my throat bc of you lil shits.

 

Alm: @RADiant Hero, Get your mom into this chat

 

RADiant Hero: My mom is dead you prick!

 

Alm: The other one.

 

Alm: Also how can I be a prick if my mom’s dead too?

 

Mom: *thinking emoji*

 

**RADiant Hero** has changed **Mom’s** name to **Lukas**

 

RADiant Hero: Let’s just pretend this conversation never happened. 

 

Anthony: @Titania

 

Anthony is now Offline 

 

RADiant Hero: Shit. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter brought to you by tumblr

Richter: Imagine if someone were to hand you a box of all the things you lost throughout your life

 

Berkut: It would be nice to get my sense of purpose back!

 

Anthony: Oh my childhood innocence! Thank you for finding it

 

Zelgius: My will to live! I haven’t seen this in decades!

 

Reinhardt: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!

 

Shade: Mental Stability my old friend!

 

Richter: @Shade @Zelgius @Reinhardt @Berkut @Anthony @Berkut Could you guys lighten up a little?

 

Lyon: I think I left my heart and soul in there, could I check it?

 

Soren: Actual happiness thank you!

 

Lukas: There’s those pesky emotions. 

 

Elise: Guys. Stop

 

Elise: I’m still looking for my sour gummy worms could you be depressing and emotional somewhere else?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Random Messages through out a week or so

Shade: Dude people in Muspell are so afraid of gluten. Like I could've killed Sutr with a bagel if I wanted to. 

Shade: Hell I could've bargained back Ylgr and Veronica back while eating a box of twinkies

* * *

 

Cecilia: @Reinhardt You are actually a disgusting excuse of a Mage and General and we think that you should be fed off to @Nino for something more useful. Also you have tiny hands

Reinhardt: I came here to have a good time and honestly I feel attacked.

* * *

 

Arvis: I'd walk through fire for Julia. Well not fire as it's super dangerous for you @Sigurd @Rinea . But like a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair

Berkut: Your ass is lucky I'm in the middle of the tempest. 

* * *

 

Alm: Vitamin C means Vitamin Yes.

* * *

 

Shade: I don't need anything on Black Friday. I just need to get in a fight to feel alive. 


	8. The Lords Chat!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shade makes a Lords Chat bc 3 houses is coming soon and she don't need more spoilers

**Shade** has created **Together We Noot**

 

 **Shade** as added **@Marth @Almond @Celica @Sigurd @Seliph @Leif @Roy @Lyn @Eliwood @Hector @Eirika @Ephraim @Ike @Michaiah @Chrom @Lucina**

 

 **Shade** has made **Marth** _Admin_

 

Shade: 3 houses is coming soon

 

Shade: So here's a chat to get everyone acquainted to the new lords when they release.

 

Chrom: **@Shade** Where are the Fates lords and the Askr Trio

 

Shade: We don't need them. Plus Fates doesn't have lords. It has mary sues. 

 

 **Chrom** changed his name to **Google Chrom**

 

 **Ike** has changed his name to **RADiant Hero**

 

 **Hector** has changed his name to **#Rektor**

 

 **Hector** has changed the chat name to **#FuckFates**

 

Eliwood: ALM'S IN THE CHAT HECTOR

 

Eliwood: YOU KNOW WHAT BERKUT AND LUKAS WILL DO TO YOU

 

#Rektor: Fuk u eli

 

Marth: Everyone settle down. I'm sure the main chat is just as hectic as this one. 

 

Shade: I leave the chat to you marth.

 


	9. Smashing Chatroom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Meanwhile...

**Ike** has created  **Smashing of The Bros**

 

 **Ike** has invited **Marth,Roy,Robin (M), Reflet, Lucina, Chrom, Corn (M) Corn (F),Richter Belmont, Pit Icarus** and **Daisy of Sarasa** to the chat!

 

Robin (M): Wait how is Pit in this chat if he can't read

 

Pit: Text to speech.

 

Pit: Nino has something similar but it has ur guys voices for everyone's messages. 

 

Roy: Makes a lot of sense

 

 **Ike** : Shit forgot 3 people

 

 **Ike** has added  **Zelgius, Tiki** and  **Lyn to the chat!**

 

Ike: Now everyone's here. 

 

Zelgius: Why Ike

 

Zelgius: Why


	10. Rando Chat 2

Jakob: @Felicia How do you fuck up rice?

 

Flora: @Felicia And how do you fuck up so badly it comes out in one cylindrical mess?

 

Felicia: I'm bad at everything

 

Shade: Mood 

* * *

 

Valter has sent Tounge.vid

 

Lucius: @Valter you know church is free right?

 

Lyon: And so is death what's your point Lu?

* * *

 

Anthony: If everyone assumes guys with long hair are gay and girls with short hair are lesbians then that means all bald men are secretly eagles.

Elise: I knew something was up with Hans. 

* * *

 

Shade: If blood is thicker than water, and syrup is thicker than blood

Shade: Holy shit Pancakes are more important than people

Sharena: Shade have you been in the cleaning supplies again?

Reinhardt: nah, she's prolly secretly a canadian. 

* * *

 

Reinhardt: Carpe Diem means seize the day

Reinhardt: Carpe Noctem means seize the night

Reinhardt: Carpe Natem means seize dat ass

Olwen: @Reinhardt this is why at 26 you still haven't lost your virginity.

Berkut: Based on last night, I'm sure that's not the only thing he lost. 

Reinhardt: I lost Mario Kart ;-;

* * *

Richter: For y'all who says Reinhardt is a shitty parent

Richter: Just remember Simba was raised by a gay warthog fucker and a gay meerkat lookin ass and he's the king of fucking africa now

* * *

*In a private chat with Alfonse and Anna*

Alfonse: This whole chatroom idea was a fucking mistake. 

Anna: Can't believe Shade banned us.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

Shade: @Lyn

 

Shade: Sit on my face UwU

 

Lyn: SIT ON YOUR OWN DAMN FACE SHADE!!!! I'M BUSY WITH FLORINA!!!

 

Berkut: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

Niles:( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

Reinhardt: *( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) INTENSIFIES*

 

Florina: It's not what you guys think. We're watching Korra together! (^-^)/✿


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where I finally have Mist and Greil. Mist is +atk -def and her papa is neutral.

**Mist** has started a new chat

 

 **Mist** has renamed the chat **Greil's Memeceraries**

 

 **Mist** has added **Ike** , **Greil, Titania, Soren, Oscar, Mia and Zelgius** to the chat!

 

 **Ike** has changed his name to  **RADiant Hero**

 

 **Zelgius** has changed his name to  **Burger King**

 

Mist: I'm gay. 

 

Soren: Congrats. 

 

RADiant Hero: Is it for Jill?

 

RADiant Hero: Because if it isn't, I owe Haar 20 gold

 

Mist: You know the green haired dancer girl?

 

Soren: The one who hangs out with Thundercock's sister?

 

Burger King: His name is Reinhardt Soren. 

 

Burger King: You know damn well he could and will kill you if someone invited him to this chat. 

 

Mist: This is why I made it private so Anthony cant ruin it.

 

Mia: Oh! Lene?

 

Mist: Yeah... I'm not sure how I was gonna break it to you guys. 

 

RADiant Hero: Hold on for a second, lemme add the rest of the Radiance Bros

 

RADiant Hero has added **Elincia, Reyson, Leanne, Michaiah, Nephenee, Sanaki, Naialah, Tibarn** and **Naesala** to the chat!

 

RADiant Hero: My sister's gay. You heard it here folks

 

Tibarn: Did you people invite Oliver here?

 

Mist: No. I have him blocked for the time he sent me...

 

Mist: Well he called it a brave sword but it looked more like...

 

Mist: Not much of a weapon

 

Titania is offline

 

Burger King: Wait she was here the whole time?

 

Michaiah: Who wants to watch this shit go down?

 

Naesala: Whoever added Leanne to the chat and forgot she can't read Tellius. 

 

Reyson: She's been picking up on Shade's lingo. Actually doing a lot better on it

 

Leanne: YEET

 

RADiant Hero: Oof. 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A failed attempt at poetry

Kagero:  She was poetry but he couldn't read

 

RADiant Hero: His name was Jared he was nineteen

 

Anthony: When his parents built a very strange machine

 

Arvis: Watch that scene dig in the dancing queen

 

Hector: AAY Macaerena

 

Shade: What the actual fuck did this chat devolve into. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shade and Lyon are filthy homestucks

Shade: Tag your god tier

 

Shade: I'm Knight of Heart

 

Lyon: Mage of Void

 

Marth: Lord of Hope

 

Alm: idek @Celica Help

 

Celica: IDK either!

 

Seliph: Heir of Light! 

 

RADiant Hero: Rouge of Blood

 

Lucina: Knight of Time

 

Shade: Luci... That belongs to an actual character

 

Lucina: I know

 

Reinhardt: Mage of Mind

 

Raquesis: Sylph of Light

 

Tiki: Sylph of Heart

 

Hector: Lord of Rage

 

Lyn: Rouge of Time

 

Tru Dad: Muse of Heart

 

Lucius: All I know is the light aspect. Possibly Maid

 

Lon'qu: Rouge of Mind

 

Shade: Am i like the only knight? 

 

Shade: That isn't canon? 

 

Julia: Mage of Space

 

Shade: I'll take that as a yes.

 

RADiant Hero: @Zelgius is a Knight of Hope

 

RADiant Hero: He killed my dad. 

 

Berkut: Prince of Rage

 

Lukas: Page of Blood

 

Shade: No wonder, you have to put all the blood back into rein

 

Anthony: Seer of Life!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have GT headcanons for every lord +other of my favorites but I forgot the Renais twins, Almica, Micha sue and Chrom's


	15. The one where Sharena finally reveals her true feelings

Sharena: So me and Shade are watching Digimon as she calls it

 

Sharena: My god one of the characters is a fucking mood.

 

Anthony: Who? 

 

Shade: Kari maybe? 

 

Sharena: Nah. 

 

Sharena: Ken. 

 

Sharena: He's just the mood of the century. Always being in your more famous brother's shadow, and when you do get something interesting they drag you away from it.

 

Sharena: Of course I wouldn't wish for Alfonse to be hit by a car or disappear...

 

 **Shade** has changed **Sharena's** name to **Askr Emperess**

 

Shade: Ur welcome

 

Shade: Wait who'd be Wormmon then?

 

Anthony: Probably me.

 

Anthony: Don't worry, I'm used to being whipped by people.

 

Anthony: Mainly Anankos

 

 **Askr Emperess** has changed  **Anthony's name to**   **Anthonymon**

 

Reinhardt: I knew I was referred to as Davis for a while

 

Reinhardt: But jesus...

 

Berkut: And people still think I'm his and Shade's child.

 

Berkut: Even though he's a fictional character from her world so no way in ass that could happen.

 

Shade: My god I realized something

 

Shade: Kari has the same va as Olwen's alt.

 

Shade: Kari and Olwen both admire their older brothers

 

Shade: Tai is secretly Reinhardt confirmed. 

 

Reinhardt: Please stop. 


	16. The One With the BB Heroes

**Shade** has added  **Idunn, Rutger, Thea, Sue and Lugh to the chat!**

 

 **Rutger** has changed his name to  **Critger**

 

Critger: @Lon'qu

 

Critger: Why do you have the same title as me?

 

Lon'qu: More like are you the copy of me?

 

**Shade has sent CritterMan.jpg**

 

Shade: This is literally the exact same picture. 

 

Lyon: So is Lugh and Raigh mine and Nino's or is Jaffar the father? 

 

Jaffar: *knife emoji*

 

Shade: Jaffar, no. 

 

Shade: Go attack Valter. 

 

Shade: Or Oliver

 

Shade: Just not Lyon he's a sweetheart

 

Matthew: Or Leila for that matter!

 

Matthew: You fuckin edgy cunt

 

Shade: I think Matt just went Fe!Scottish for a minute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Critterman.jpg is literally that spiderman image of him pointing at himself but with Lon'qu and Rutger's heads plastered over the spideys.


	17. The One Where everyone has stoner thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because it's 3 am and Shade has insomnia again

Shade: Dude I just realized something

 

Shade: It's raining men and let the bodies hit the floor were about the same thing

 

Shade: But one was more optimistic and the other was pessemistic. 

 

Tru Dad: Shade

 

Tru Dad: It's 3 am go to sleep

 

Alm: Lasers were seen as a scientific breakthrough, now we use them to play with cats

 

Alm: Computers were seen as a technological advancement of the century, now we use them to look at cats

 

Alm: Therefore it's safe to assume that the hypothesis of science being made for cats is valid. 

 

Niles: Imagine having sex with a ghost and someone walks in and they see your asshole opening and closing for no reason and your moaning.

 

Lucius: Imagine going to church, praying to Naga and realizing there are innocent children in this chat?

 

**Lucius has banned Niles from This is So Sad, Azura Sing Lost in Thoughts All Alone**

 

Tru Dad: When did you get admin powers?

 

Lucius: Mod powers. Shade gave her main 8 mod powers. 

 

Valter: You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits

 

Lon'qu: The fuck did I just read?

 

Lon'qu: @Eirika @Ephraim @Lyon I am so sorry you have to deal with this man

 

**Lon'qu has banned Valter from This is So Sad, Azura Sing Lost in Thoughts all Alone**

 

 

Lon'qu: Omg Reinhardt has to delete so many comments when he wakes up to prevent Anthony from seeing them

 

Anthony: Too late, already screenshoted them.

 

Lon'qu: Shit

 

Lon'qu: @Shade @Reinhardt @Lukas

 

Lon'qu: The lil gremlin is out of control

 

Seliph: Pizza should have a poison in the sauce and the antidote in the thick crust part so we can kill off the people who don't eat the crust

 

Lon'qu: S E L I P H

 

Lon'qu: @Sigurd I know your awake fucking Dierdre

 

Arvis: Bold of you to assume that

 

Raquesis: She's in here with me and some of the other girls. We're finishing up a game of Bullshit and heading to bed.

 

Lon'qu: Then...

 

Lon'qu: Is Sigurd having gay sex with Arvis?

 

Lon'qu: Oh god. 

 

Lon'qu: @Shade

 

Lon'qu: BURNING ASHES IS CANON

 

Finn: Edit, I just checked in on them, Arvis got stuck in the toilet bowl lid. 

 

Finn: Eldigan and Quan are laughing their asses off

 

Finn: This is the shit I have to deal with folks

 

Tiki: @Pit 

 

Tiki: Are Medusa's leg hairs tiny snakes?

 

Pit: Hold on

 

Pit: @Palutena

 

Pit: Is she even here

 

RADiant Hero: Hol on 

 

**RADiant Hero has added PaluBAEa to the chat!**

 

Palutena: Sup nerds. 

 

Pit: Are Medusa's leg hairs tiny snakes?

 

Palutena: Pit. It is 2 am. Go the fuck to sleep. 

 

Palutena: All of you. Sleep now. 

 

Google Chrom: Fitbits are Tamagotchis

 

Google Chrom: Except the Dumbass Creature you have to keep alive is yourself

 

Google Chrom: Why can't this be digimon?

 

Henry: Cannibalism can solve both overpopulation and the world hunger epidemic

 

Lyon: How long does it take for Grave Robbing to become Archeology

 

Marth: Based on genital structure, men should be wearing the skirts and women the pants

 

Pit: NO PANTS MARS

 

RADiant Hero: NO PANTS MARS

 

Richter: NO PANTS MARS

 

Caeda: NO PANTS MARS

 

Gordin: 5 POINTS!

 

Titania: EVERYONE GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP! SOME OF US WANT TO BE PRODUCTIVE TOMORROW

 

Anthony is offline

Titania is offline

Marth is offline

RADiant Hero is offline

Richter is offline

Caeda is offline

Gordin is offline

Alm is offline

Seliph is offline

Lon'qu is offline

Lyon is offline

Henry is offline

Google Chrom is offline

PaluBAEa is offline

Tiki is offline

Finn is offline

Arvis is offline

Sigurd is offline

Raquesis is offline

Tru Dad is offline

 

Shade: Hello Darkness my old friend. 


	18. The one with Cheesy Goodness

Arvis: I'm making fuckin mac and cheese.

 

Alm: Weren't you banned from kitchen duty?

 

Fjorm has sent selfie lol.jpg

 

Fjorm: Not with me in the kitchen (^_^)~*

 

Seliph: Two bowls please, both extra cheesy!

 

Julia: You know how to make mine dad.

 

Julius: Wait, am I still in this family even if I'm from another timeline?

 

Dierdre: Yes

 

Dierdre: @Sigurd

 

Dierdre: We need the dad

 

Shade: Sorry to inturrupt but can someone grill me a cheese?

 

Shade: I have lost my voice and my head feels like f2p anuses when Reinhardt shoves his hand so far up their asses he can make people into muppets.

 

Arvis: @Reinhardt @Ishtar @Olwen 

 

Arvis: Pls explain

 

Reinhardt: It's a joke. Please don't think I can do that. You know my sleeves are just really big and I don't do that thing

 

Reinhardt: Also 3 bowls of mac and cheese please. 1 with cayanne please

 

Berkut: Make that 2 more. Anthony wants some and I'm wanting to try this food

 

Fjorm: ALL RIGHT YOU HEARD WHAT THEY SAID LET'S GET SOME KRAFT BOILING!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shade is literally my mood right now and everything she says is 500% accurate aside from the muppet part. We are still testing if his hand goes that far up people's asses.


	19. The One Where Marth adds people

Marth: @Shade I forgot to add some of my friends from smash. Is it ok if I add them?

 

Shade: Sure as long as they don't cause trouble. I don't need that stuff rn

 

**Marth has added Zeldamn, Really Shulking It, Arm Pit, Lasagaroar, Big Mac and T̴̪͇͙͉̖͈̲̯̻̤̲̬̀̓͋̒́͗ͅḨ̴̖̮͇̞͓̳͖̱̿́͝E̴̜͑̈́̍̀̂̌̀̎̽̍̓̉̈́̎̆ ̶̘̫͇̣̲̠̮̳͙̓͆̇̊́̈́̒̒B̵̛͈̻̺͇̥͖̯̊͋̃̎̆̉̋̅̇̓̋͊͝͝Ą̸̙̝̲̬̘͇͈̤̺̪͙͉̽͌̔̏̌́̚͘͘͜B̶̨̪̩͔̤̻̀̌͒̈́̈Y̷̡̯̭̺̣̰̟̲͐͌̉̈̈͒͑̍ to the chat!**

 

Samus: Who's Lasagaroar

 

Marth: Incineroar. I'd feel bad if I didn't include one furball. 

 

Marth: Normally it's Pikachu but Pikachu can't type. 

 

Samus: But Pit and Nino are here????

 

Shulk: It's good not to question things like this. 

 

Shulk: @Lucina TIME BROS

 

Lucina: TIME BROS!

 

Dark Pit: Alright, where's that fucking faker with my voice. 

 

Shade: N O  I  A M  N O T  D E A L I N G  W I T H  T H I S

 

Shade is now idle

 

Richter: Now look at what you've done, you've scared Shade! 

 

Anthony: She's not scared, just 500% done with life

 

Samus: Mood. 

 

Zelda: Is Incineroar lurking or...? 

 

Zelda: Because he has like no reason for a chatroom

 

Marth: I added him. 

 

Daisy: So is this like a smash/fire emblem reunion?

 

RADiant Hero: No it isn't. We just get bored a lot

 

**Zelda has added Peachy~ to the chat!**

 

Zelda: Meme time. 

 

Lon'qu: Not right now. I have the powers of moderators and Jojo on my side!

 

Anthony: Dude

 

Anthony: U didn't even meme it right. 

 

Reinhardt: As long as we don't add the dads of smash to this chat nothing will collapse on itself. 

 

Reinhardt: The dad jokes shall be contained. 

 

Arvis: Dude, there's more than enough dads here. Why would we need more dads?

 

Reinhardt: I didn't think this through did I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next time...? Possibly dad jokes


	20. The One With The Dad Jokes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sans is approving of me

**Google Chrom has added Bowser to the chat!**

 

Google Chrom: So what do you call a nosy pepper?

 

Robin (M): An abomination?

 

Shade: Nah that's me. 

 

Google Chrom: Jalepeno Buisness!

 

Arvis: What did one eye say to the other eye?

 

Julia: pls no

 

Arvis: Between you and me, something smells!

 

Corn (F): What concert cost 45 cents?

 

Berkut: A shitty one

 

Corn (F): 50 cent featuring Nickleback! 

 

Shade: How do you fit 5 Snorlaxes and 3 Wailords onto a bus?

 

Reinhardt: You don't 

 

Shade: Nah, ya just gotta POKEMON! 

 

Reinhardt is offline

 

Google Chrom: Did ya hear about the Italian Chef who died?

 

Google Chrom: He pasta way

 

Anthony has logged off

 

Julia: Now look at what you've done. 

 

Arvis: I guess he just ran out of thyme. 

 

Julia has logged off

 

Tru Dad: Here today, gone Tomato

 

Leo: Just no

 

Leo has logged off

 

Bartre: His wife's still in shock, I guess cheeses still not over it

 

Richter has logged off

 

Pit has logged off

 

Tiki has logged off

 

RADiant Hero has logged off

 

Lon'qu has logged off

 

Raquesis has logged off

 

Lukas has logged off

 

Boey has logged off

 

Lucius has logged off

 

Seliph: I guess they never sausage a tragedy coming!

 

Hector: Ashes to Ashes, Crust to Crust

 

Sigurd: There's just not mushroom in this world for chefs these days

 

Bowser: We cannoli do so much for them

 

Quan: Currently sending olive the prayers to the family

 

Greil: I guess he'll become a pizza history

 

Titania: I'm sorry but

 

Titania has logged off

 

 

Shade: What do you call a pencil without lead?

 

Shade: Pointless! 

 

Google Chrom: Dude, my wedding was so great even the cake was in tiers!

 

Frederick Kruger: No it wasn't. 

 

Seliph: What did the shy rock wish for?

 

Seliph: That they were a little boulder! 

 

Lissa: Seliph, please stop enabling them. 

 

Takumi: I HAVE TAKEN CORN HOSTAGE! STOP THE JOKES OR I WILL SHOOT HER

Anthony is online

 

 

Anthony: Come on guys, people are drinking on these jokes, we really need to raise the bar! 

 

Lyn: What was with the screaming from Corrin's room?

 

Shade: I'll be here.... ALL THE FUCKING TIME! 

 

Shade: AND THANK YOU SIDE WALKS FOR KEEPING ME OFF THE STREET! 

 

Google Chrom: You all were blessings.

 

Takumi: L E A V E

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take Takumi's warning however you want. Anthony just enabled him


	21. The one where Shade's sick

Shade: @Reinhardt

 

Shade: I need the soup of the Ramen

 

Reinhardt: SHADE I AM IN FUCKING GOD KNOWS WHERE I CANNOT GET YOU RAMEN

 

Shade: >:-|

* * *

 

Shade: @Lucius

 

Shade: Is there anymore medicine I can take so I don't feel like I was cursed with the 9 day curse?

 

Lucius: Actually getting some sleep and not texting me.

* * *

Shade: @Berkut

 

Shade: Grill me a cheese

 

Berkut: Can't. Stuck dealing with uprisers in Muspell rn. 

* * *

 

Shade: @Raquesis

 

Shade: Does releasing sexual frustrations help cure a head cold? Asking for a friend

 

Raquesis: NO! >:0 GO TO SLEEP! 

* * *

 

Shade: @Lyon

 

Shade: I have coughed up the plague. I need the ades of power

 

Lyon: I don't know what your talking about but I'll send Henry to collect the plague sample so we can figure out what went wrong

* * *

 

Shade: @Peri Can you kill me already? I am ready for death

 

Peri: I am coming up with the soup! 

 

Nino: And I have the tissues! 

* * *

 

Shade: @Sharena

 

Shade: Let Soren, Innes, the morgans and Arvis know I am putting tactics to them today. I cannot deal with anything

 

Sharena: Who's on Anthony watch then? 

 

Shade: I'm sure he can't cause too much trouble right?

 

Sharena: He changed the wifi password to penis because Michaiah offered him $5 and a bag of gummy worms.

 

Shade: Pass the child off to someone who won't cause him harm

 

Shade: Like Hector. 

 


	22. The One With the Gay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just my gaycanons

**Reinhardt has created a new chat**

 

**Reinhardt has renamed the chat to Everyone is Gay!**

 

**Reinhardt has added Leon, Mist, Lene,Lukas, Leo, Hrid, Alm, Seliph, Faye, Olwen, Florina, Lyn, Lucius, Raven, Lyon, Knoll, Ephraim, Innes, and Ike to the chat!**

 

 **Ike** has changed his name to **RADiant Hero**

 

Innes: Why is there a straight in this chat?

 

Reinhardt: He's amBIguous. 

 

RADiant Hero: I like guys sometimes, sometimes I like girls, other times I just like meat. 

 

Mist: Brother this is my wonderful girlfriend. 

 

Lene: ^_^ /

 

Innes: Not the straight I was going for

 

Lukas: I'm ace aro Innes. I thought we were over this. 

 

Innes: But you and

 

Lukas: He's pan. 

 

Lukas: Also fuck off your having an orgy with Lyon, Knoll and Ephraim. 

 

Ephraim: Sorry. Polyamory!

 

Leon: Shit wait if that counts then I need to add Zeke/Camus

 

**Leon has added Camus, Nyna and Tatiana to the chat!**

 

**Leon has changed his name to zegayLorde**

 

Camus: Gay chat? Why am I here?

 

Reinhardt: Everyone is gay. You too. I consider Polys to be gay.

 

zegayLorde: *cries in gay*

 

Seliph: Fyi I think I'm Solarian (aka he/him and they/them)

 

Reinhardt: Can i still call you Seli on the they/them days?

 

Seliph: Absolutely

 

Knoll: Glad to see I'm not the only one struggling with identity

 

Lene: Pardon me for asking but why?

 

Lyon: We're trying to help him transition better but Grado is better at fucking up than medicines. 

 

Reinhardt: @Knoll @Lyon Arvis is looking over my shoulder and he's offering to help you transition. 

 

Reinhardt: Also he's offering to help people make blankets of their flags. 

 

RADiant: Are bis valid in this chat

 

Reinhardt: It's always bi appreciation in this house

 

RADiant Hero: @Richter

 

RADiant Hero: He's got a gf who went batshit and is now fucking a bat. 

 

Richter: Ok 1, fuk u

 

Richter: 2 I'm not a furry for fucking Alucard

 

Richter: So piss off with that. 

 

Lyon: So no one is creeped about the whole Knoll/Me/Ephraim/Innes thing?

 

Camus: Nah dude. We gucci w that

 

Lyn: Bi squad up! 

 

Tatiana: Wait is Lucius trans as well?

 

Lucius: No I am not. Just really gay

 

 


	23. The One with Bruno

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Veronica adds her brother to hell

**Veronica** has added **Bruno** to the chat!

 

Veronica: My brother's gonna be summonable for the 2019 bun banner

 

Bruno: Fuck off. I did not consent to this.

 

Alfonse: At least we match Zac. 

 

Shade: Wait @Bruno do we call you Bruno or Zacharias? I just don't wanna make you uncomfortable

 

Bruno: Either or. I don't give a shit

 

Loki: Am I the only one who is super unnerved by this?

 

Loki: Especially since Sutr and Hel won't let me be in my more comfortable form

 

Loki: Doesn't help that my female form is the summonable one

 

Loki: Now I have to wear a bunny suit that exposes my cleavage

 

Sharena: Wait your trans?

 

Shade: Wait Alfonse's not banned from this chat?

 

Loki: Yeah. I'm trying to go FtM but these fuckin devs won't let me

 

Loki: FFS you have camoola for a reason

 

Loki: Let me transition in peace dammit. 

 

Loki: I like the aesthetic colors of the fem!me but

 

Loki: I don't like the tiddies

 

Shade: @Lucina would like to have those tiddies

 

Lucina: SHADE 

 

Loki: So none of you have a problem?

 

Shade: Nah. 

 

Shade: Reinhardt's pan

 

Shade: Fernand is demi

 

Shade: Lukas is ace/aro

 

Shade: And I'm fuckin trash ur point?


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shade's a mood

Shade: Loki's spring form makes me uncomfortable

 

Shade: It's this close to showing her clit

 

Loki: HOW THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I FEEL 

 

Loki: IT EMPHASISES THE TWO THINGS I HATE ABOUT MYSELF: MY GENETALIA AND MY TITS

 

Loki: Aesthetic? Cool. Bow? Cool. 

 

Loki: Boobs and almost showing clit?

 

Loki: Not cool

 

Loki: At least I can sympathize with Lucina and Cordelia now

 

Lyn: AND ME I HAVE SEEN SOME SHIT


	25. The One With The Gay Chat Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's a game of guess the gay.

Reinhardt: So...

 

Reinhardt: @Seliph is Solarian/probably gay

 

Reinhardt: @Knoll is Trans/Gay

 

Reinhardt: @Loki is Trans

 

Reinhardt: @Mist, @Lene @Florina are Lesbians

 

Reinhardt: @Lukas is Asexual/Aromantic

 

Reinhardt: @Fernand is Demisexual

 

Reinhardt: I'm Pan

 

Reinhardt: @Lyn @RADiant Hero are bi

 

Reinhardt: @Ephraim is polyamoric and gay

 

Reinhardt: @Leon is hella gay

 

Reinhardt: @Innes and @Raven won't admit they're gay

 

Reinhardt: And @Lucius is gay. 

 

Reinhardt: Did I miss anyone?

 

Olwen: Reinhardt you dumbfuck

 

Olwen: I'M BI

 

Olwen: @Faye is Bi @Leo @Hrid are gay 

 

Alm: I'm probably queer, I haven't figured it out yet

 

Alm: @Richter is Bi @Lyon is probably gay 

 

Anthony: And I'm here for some reason. Who added me? 

 

Julia: Whoops wrong chat I invited you to. Also #bisquad 


	26. Leo's Story Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short thing

Leo: True story from Nohr's bullshit of rulers

 

Leo: Someone accused Iago and Hans of raping a girl

 

Leo: So they got the lawyer and he's like "Just normal business clothes"

 

Leo: Fuckers showed up to court naked and Hans had a whip

 

Leo: Immediately convicted but some how we still keep the fuckers because my dad is a fucking pile of shit for brains who doesn't take rape seriously.

 

Arvis: Then we overthrow the Nohrians

 

Oboro: OVERTHROW THE NOHRIANS!


	27. The One Where Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Red is the only color I'm into for this banner

**Michiah** has added  **Yune** to  **This is So Sad, Azura Sing Lost In Thoughts All Alone**

 

Shade: Since when can birbs type

 

Naesala: ヽ(ಠ_ಠ)ノ

 

Yune: I am no ordinary birb

 

Yune: I am goddess birb

 

RADiant Hero: More like Loli Goddess

 

Yune: Bite my ass you subhuman fucker

 

Zelgius: shit

 

Michiah: Why can't we have nice things in the main chat?

 

Yune: Someone tell the gremlin to stop throwing bread at me.

 

RADiant Hero: Which gremlin?

 

Yune: The one who looks like a feral child. 

 

RADiant Hero: Oh

 

RADiant Hero: @Anthony

 

RADiant Hero: Throw baguettes at her. They'll feed her longer

 

Michiah: I K E


	28. The One with the Pun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> True story. Yune is +def -atk

Shade: Yune came home on the free summon

 

Yune: I guess you can call it

 

Yune: God Bless

 

Shade: Ayyye

 

Yune: Ayye

 

RADiant Hero: Shut the fuck up I'm trying to sleep!


	29. The One where it's just vines because I've been watching too many vine comps

Reinhardt: @Everyone

 

Reinhardt: There is only one thing worse than being killed

 

Reinhardt: Boom

 

Reinhardt: Anthony getting killed

 

Xander: So your saying Anthony is the problem? I knew we should've killed the little shit

 

Lukas: REINHARDT NO

* * *

 

Shade: @Chrom @Robin (M) @Frederick

 

Shade: Three bros chillin in a hot tub, 5 feet apart cuz their not gay

* * *

Marth: @Shade is that a police here?

RADiant Hero: I'M CALLING THE WEED

* * *

Shade: Taco Bell has Fresha Voca Do and I've never felt more alive 

* * *

Shade: DEEZ NUTS

Hector: Dammit Kid, this thing buzzed so loud I almost dropped my fuckin croissant

* * *

Anna: It's like the inn gives you bottled water to pay for and it's like there's free fuckin water in the tap you asshole

* * *

Reinhardt: I AM THE TIER DESTROYER DESTROYER OF THE TIERS

Berkut: THE META QUIVERS BEFORE HIM

Reinhardt: @Yune @Every Green Unit FUCK OFF 

* * *

Frederick: Why aren't the dishes in alphabetical order?

Shade: The fuk does that even mean?

* * *

 

Leon: @everyone Move I'm gay. I've got rights to be the first 5*+10

* * *

Arvis: My hair is red

Arvis: Sigurd's is blue

Arvis: Why did you leave me @Azel

Arvis: What did I do? 

* * *

Henry: I have taught a bunch of animatronic snowmen how to chant Hail Grima

Henry: Today is a good day

Berkut: SO YOUR THE ASSHOLE

* * *

Ryoma: So both Corrins spilt an entire gallon's worth of Listerine on themselves

Anthony: And that is my problem how???? 

* * *

Alfonse: So we're passing notes during the war meetings huh?

Alfonse: @Shade read what you've been passing or I'm sending you to deal with Niles' bullshit

Shade: Why's @Gustav's and @Alfonse's dicks hanging on the floor?

Alfonse: What the actual fuck

* * *

Alfonse: Why the fuck do I hear talking during the war meetings?

Shade: U got ears u dumb fuck

* * *

Anthony: @Lukas @Sigurd @Arvis @Quan @Eldigan @Finn @Eliwood @Hector @Bartre @Canas @Dorcas @Seth @Greil @Chrom @Frederick @Lon'qu @Xander @Ryoma @Reinhardt 

Anthony: Daddy?

Chrom: DO ANY OF US LOOK LIKE YOUR FUCKIN DAD

Alm: He can't help he has no father figure in his life!

* * *

Zelgius: Pass the popcorn

Michiah: This is a funeral

Zelgius: THIS MOVIE SUCKS ASS!

* * *

 

Fernand: @Arvis' mac and cheese sounds like my wet dream of a threesome involving me Mathilda and Clive

Rinea: @Berkut and this is the man you chose for your vassal?

* * *

Wrys: I fear I am the only normal one left in this chat room

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	30. The One with The Shitty Feh channel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything said here is and was 100% my live reactions

Shade: @Feh Your doing amazing sweetie but we've gotta find better updates

 

Shade: Pair Up just made Reinhardt nuking things much easier

 

Shade: And no one's gonna care about Aether Resort or Allegiance battles. We want orbs. 

 

Shade: Also the fuck is up with demoting people I get sick of as 4* into 3*, they'll be more common.

 

Ike: And the 5* from before Frozen 2 won't be summonable

 

Ike: The fuck. I want to fuck people's rates up

 

Lyn: Dude Same

 

Julia: Already pulled it on Shade

 

Azura: Did it to Shade numerous times

 

Anthony: And i'm still not summonable ;-;

 

Anthony: I just want snuggles from more summoners


	31. The One Where I want to adopt seliph

**Private Chat (Sigurd+Seliph)**

Seliph: Dad... I need advice

 

Seliph: See, I'm kind of having one of those they/them days, and Leif kept saying that nonbinary people are a phase and that I need to grow out of it since I'm the future of Judgral...

 

Seliph: What do I do

 

Sigurd:  **eye emoji gun emoji**

 

Sigurd: Quan's in so much trouble

* * *

 

**Private Chat (Sigurd+Quan)**

**Sigurd has sent screenshot.1.jpg**

 

Sigurd: Mind explaining this? 

 

Sigurd: I won't hesitate  **eye emoji gun emoji**

 

Quan: The fuck?

* * *

**Private Chat (Quan, Ethlyn and Finn)**

**Quan has sent screenshot.1.3.jpg**

 

Quan: The fuck is this? 

 

Quan: @Finn what was Lief taught

 

Quan: I'm holding you responsible since I got stabbed

 

Finn: I told him everyone is a queen sir!

 

Ethlyn: Dude you should just see the chat Lief is in right now. He's not going to need a colostomy bag by the time Reinhardt's done with him...

* * *

**Private Chat (Reinhardt, Lukas, Boey, Lucius, Alm and Leif)**

Reinhardt: @Leif What did we tell you about being NBphobic?

 

Reinhardt: And homophobic for that matter?

 

Leif: Shut up you useless pan pizza. Isn't that just being bi, which is also just being gay?

 

Lukas: I sense a disturbance in the force.

 

Reinhardt: 

 

Reinhardt: What the fuck did you just fucking say to me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Friegian Army, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on the Loptyrians along with your home country, and I have over 9000 confirmed kills. I am trained in magical warfare and I’m the top mage knight in the entire Friege Army. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to Seliph about nonbinary people not being valid? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting the Gelben Ritter across the rift and your location is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the Order of Heroes and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kid.

 

Alm: EVERYONE IS A QUEEN LEIF! 

 

Lucius: I'm a healer but. ^-^_/

 

Boey: BEGONE 

 

Boey:  **T̶̡̜̼͉̺̭͚̩̫̫̦̱̟͗̿̔̌͆͗̑͊̈́ͅH̵̡͈͎̼̠͚̗͚͓̣͜Õ̴̜̜̮͍̣̲̥̊͌͂̇̾͊͘T̸̙͉͍͇̭̦̜̥̼͌**


	32. The One with Ike Owing Haar $5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As of me writing this, Haar is 5* level 15. It is the day he released.

**RADiant Hero has added HakunaMatata, Nottafurfag, Catwoman, Mordecai and I'm Too Old for this Shit to the chat!**

 

RADiant Hero: Mist's gay Haar

 

Haar: For?

 

RADiant Hero: This girl named Lene. 

 

Mist: OwO 

 

Lethe: What's the point of this? 

 

Ranulf: Does it look like I know? 

 

**Caineghis has changed his name to Simba**

 

Ranulf: At least I don't have to explain this to his royal furry king

 

Shade: Ike, I just realized we need an update to the text to speech mod.

 

RADiant Hero: Y

 

Shade: Mordecai can't read. I'm pretty sure he only understands ancient tounge. 

 

Haar: Why does this thing keep waking me up?

 

Haar: And it's not the chat. 

 

Haar: It's some tiny gremlin. 

 

RADiant Hero: What does it look like?

 

**Haar has sent getthislittleshitoffofmebeforeikillhim.png**

 

RADiant Hero: That's Anthony. He won't do much harm. He's probably trying to scout you out. He always does it to the new heroes

 

Haar: But he's interrupting my nap.

 

Shade: According to Lene you got a full 45 minutes on the battlefield and only woke up when Lucius almost had to knock you conscious to not die

 

Haar: Hell yeah! Nothing in my life matters! 

 

Mist: And here we see a Gen Z stuck in a Millenial's body. 


	33. The Adventures of a Little Gremlin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Anthony the chapter.

Ranulf: @RADiant Hero

 

Ranulf: Pls help

 

Ranulf: There's a kid who won't stop playing with my ears and tail.

 

RADiant Hero: That's Anthony

 

RADiant Hero: He's the least of your worries considering Alm's, Celica's and Rinea's cat obsession.

* * *

 

Oscar: So I finally got Anthony to eat his vegetables without getting threatened by a lobster

 

Sakura: But Ryoma wants nothing to do with him.

 

Berkut: I'm sorry for being an ancestor to that Walmart. Anyways how did you get him to eat his vegetables?

 

Oscar: The fact you can put cheese on anything. 

 

Berkut: Ok so why is Shade smothered in cheese sauce.

 

Shade: Pretzel Pizza is a fail so i did the next best thing ;-;

* * *

 

Camilla: Who ate all of the cookies? 

 

Anthony: Kellam

 

Camilla: I didn't see him in the kitchen

 

Anthony: That's the joke. No one ever sees him. 

 

Lukas: Whoops. 

* * *

Lucius: So I asked Anthony what his favorite part of the book is.

 

Lucius: He said the part when Gollum fell into the lava with the ring

 

Lucius: Never trusting Azama with his religious teachings again

* * *

Anthony: I accidentally spilled ice cream on Baby Lucina and long story short Chrom saw me lick the baby

 

Anthony: @Reinhardt help pls

* * *

Anthony: Mia isn't the fastest hero

 

Anthony: That would be Reinhardt when he hears that I've gotten myself into more trouble than I should for a 13 yr old.

* * *

Titania: We are no longer having glitter in the order

 

Titania: Anthony keeps spreading it to places there shouldn't be glitter

* * *

Anthony: The can opener is broken. Incineroar keeps wanting tuna

 

Shade: Then it's a Can't opener?

* * *

Berkut: So Alm dropped a chicken nugget on the floor, offered it to Anthony

 

Berkut: He said no, Alm then offered it to Ike

 

Berkut: Then Shade ran off of it like she stole the fucking hope diamond. 

* * *

Hector: @Anthony we told you to stay in bed at these hours. Quit spookin us!

 

Anthony: But I keep seeing scary things! 

 

Hector: Scarier than a pissed off me?  
  


Anthony: Yes! Valter and Oliver having s-e-x! 

 

Hector: OH SHIT

* * *

Alfonse: Why is Anthony's bed in my room?

 

Alfonse: And why does he have a race car bed?

 

Shade: Temporary moving arrangements. He keeps seeing Valter and Oliver buttfucking. It's why he kept getting out of bed. 

* * *

Shade: Anthony called Ranch "Salad Frosting" on accident and now I can't stop thinking about it. 

* * *

Shade: Ok Lucius wanted it quiet so he could say grace

 

Shade: And Anthony starts fucking howling like a dog, and then gets Naiahlah in on it. 

 

Shade: Folks, we either have an immortal or he worships a different god than us. 

* * *

Shade: Nino wants to be a sage to help people like Lloyd and Linus did

 

Shade: Anthony just wants to hide under couch cushions and poke people with needles

 

Shade: Welcome to Askr!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	34. The One With Homestuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy 4/13 ya Homefucks

Calliope: Wait

 

Calliope: Who changed the names?

 

Calliope: And why can't we change them back?

 

Equius Zahhak: D-> and what's up with this ST00PID typing quirk

 

Kanaya Maryam: So Let's Figure Out Who's Who.

 

Kanaya Maryam: This is Lukas

 

Karkat Vantas: BERKUT 

 

Karkat Vantas: OK WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I TURN OFF CAPS LOCK!? 

 

Calliope: Anthony ^-^

 

Andrew Hussie: Shade

 

Andrew Hussie: Ok what the actual fuck

 

Damara Megido: マース

 

Damara Megido: 誰もが実際にこれを読むことができるのを待つか、これはほんの少し日本語に翻訳されていますか。

 

Damara Megido: そうでなければ、葉はこの惑星に住むに値しないクソ女です

 

John Egbert: Marth no!

 

John Egbert: Also this is Seliph

 

Equius Zahhak: D--> Reinhardt

 

Aradia Megido: eir

 

Dave Strider: lucina

 

Bro: I don't think for the sake of Eir's life I should reveal myself

 

Bro: But @Lord English is Lyon

 

Lord English:  **PISS OFF SAMUEL**

 

 

Lord English:  **4/13 ONLY HAPPENS ONCE A YEAR**

 

Andrew Hussie: So I'm guessing this'll happen when 6/12 rolls around? 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did so much fucking checking if I got the quirks right. I don't think I did the Dave/Bro/Dark Lord Hussie quirks right.


	35. The One with the Phantom Theives

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday for Matthew (my hc) and happy smash day Phantom Thieves!

Matthew has added Joker to the chat!

 

Jakob: Oh hell no. 

 

Matthew: So kid, do you have a name or do we just call ya Joker

 

Joker: Well... The most common name the games have me under is Ren Amamiya but I also go under Akira Kurusu. 

 

Shade: Smash newb?

 

Shade: Good luck kid. This is the game where everyone dies. 

 

???: Doesn't everybody?

 

Shade: @Eir your weird ass friend's here. 

 

Eir: That's not mine though... Mine was Haar...

 

Shade: So what the fuck. 


	36. The One Where I nearly Scream at Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No seriously

Shade: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

 

Berkut: Someone translate that

 

Reinhardt: **AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA**

 

Berkut: And that

 

???: *earrape screeching*

 

Berkut: Not that

 

Ike: Genny, Lukas and Felicia got alts for the new banner. Also if played correctly, Lukas get's like +20 defense on foe turns. 

 

 


	37. The One With Digimon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See Things Shade's Order of Heroes is Not Allowed To Do Anymore for more context
> 
> Also a bit of Digimon and Endgame spoilers but nothing to specific

**??? has created a new chat**

**??? has added Shade, Lon'qu, Raquesis, Tiki, Reinhardt, Seliph, Lukas, Boey, Lucius, Berkut, Julia, Lyn, Ike, Marth and Roy to the chat!**

**??? has renamed the chat "Digihoes"**

**??? has changed their name to Sam, Roadkill Genius**

**Ike has changed his name to RADiant Hero**

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: So you wonder why you're all here today

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: I'm here to tell you about the Digidestined Initiative. 

 

Seliph: Is that the egg thing?

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Yes.

 

RADiant Hero: Shit dude you forgot someone.

 

**RADiant Hero has added Richter Belmont and Anthony to the chat!**

 

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Now can we continue?

 

Berkut: Yo someone wake Shade up.

 

Berkut: @Shade

 

Berkut: Maybe that'll work?  
  


Sam, Roadkill Genius: Not sure if a tablet buzzing would wake her up you dipshit. 

 

Lon'qu: Anyways, is that why I have a rainbow colored dog lizard thing and a giant bug?

 

Lon'qu: Not like I'm complaining bout the bug. 

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: I'm assuming you're talking about Psychemon and Kuwagamon. Odd combination...

 

Tiki: What about the literal Chimera?

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: That would be my brother's origimon do not steal, Kimeramon. Do not let him find out about it. 

 

Seliph: So why does Lukas, Lon'qu and I have 2 partners and everyone else have one?

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Does it look like I fucking know

 

Anthony: OwO

 

Reinhardt: Watch your fucking mouth kid.

 

Lukas: This isn't going anywhere. 

 

Anthony: I got shade awake! :3

**Shade is online**

 

Shade: Why the fuck is Anthony with a giant robot thing and why is there a giant T Rex sitting obediently outside? 

 

Shade: Shit. We have digimon based on this chat

 

Shade: Also can the new guy send me a pic? I just wanna make sure we're on the same page. 

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Fine. -_-

 

**Sam has sent image**

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Don't mind Kunemon. He's trying to say hello. 

 

Reinhardt: Based on Shade's description, she has Greymon?

 

RADiant Hero: Nah, that's me. Marth's got a Gabumon and Roy has a Gomamon

 

Anthony: Wait, a lot of our digimon have connections to the main 12. 

 

Anthony: Ike and Lukas have variations of the Agumon line

 

Anthony: Marth has Gabumon while I have a potential evolution for Tentomon. 

 

Anthony: Raquesis has a virus counterpart to Palmon in Alraumon with Roy having Gomamon

 

Anthony: Reinhardt's YumikiPatamon is an ice counterpart to Patamon with Richter's Tsukaimon being the virus version

 

Anthony: Kunemon can evolve from Minomon, while Kudamon can evolve into Gatomon X, especially convincing since Lucius' Hero title is "The Light." the crest Gatomon's partner Kari has is light

 

Anthony: Darcmon's natural evolution is Yaksamon, the armor evolution of Veemon with the Digiegg of Sincerity. Labramon can evolve into Devimon, the very first enemy the original 8 had to fight, Ex Veemon, the obvious evolution of Veemon or Ikkakumon, the evolution of Gomamon. 

 

Lyn: Where are you going with this.

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Shh.. I wanna see where this is going. 

 

Anthony: Tyrannomon not only evolves from Agumon and Veemon, but Gabumon, Hawkmon, Patamon and Tentomon and can evolve into Myotismon, the overarching villian. Gazimon can evolve into Leomon, an infamous digimon due to how many times he dies, but can also evolve into Garurumon,Devimon, Gatomon and several other armor digivolutions of the digidestined like Pegasusmon, while Gizamon was not only seen as the Digimon Emperor's slaves but they can also evolve from Nyaromon, Gatomon's In Training form. Monmon can evolve into Greymon and other armor evolutions but not as much... 

 

Anthony: But Kimeramon is the one can of wormmon I do not want to open because there's even more explaining to do.

 

Berkut: What about me? Where do I fit into your conspiracy theory

 

Anthony: Berkut, you were the one I didn't want to get to because you and BlackGuilmon have nothing to do with the original 12 aside from the googlehead of Tamers creating Guilmon. I really didn't want to hurt your feelings. 

 

Anthony: But in conclusion, we're this world's digidestined, each of us representing a core member of the 12. Which is linked I don't know, but if it wasn't for Berkut not even fitting into this theory I'd pinpoint him as Ken hands down with Shade being Ryo. 

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: And here I thought Fire Emblem was supposed to be medieval. Where did this kid learn all of this

 

Anthony: Oh you would not believe how much stuff I uncovered that Anankos tried to hide. Like Melee. And the missing pages of the Valentia archives that describe Faye, Rinea,Fernand, Conrad and Berkut.

 

Roy: Dad wants to know why Shade's screaming so I showed him this chat.

 

Roy: And in conclusion from that he really wants to meet you Sam. 

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: ಠ_ಠ

 

Roy: And Eir misses you. Hel's being even more abusive.

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: ಠ_ಠ I told her using her daughter to kill Shade and Alfonse was a horrible waste of resources and that we should go somewhere else but she's like "no i am inevitable" and it's like even Thanos has a weakness. Nothing is inevitable, trust me. I thought digimon were an inside joke but now look at me, Gennai doesn't have shit on me. I can communicate interdimensionally. 

 

Berkut: Wait what was that about using Eir to kill us? 

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Shit now I'll have to explain that. ಠ_ಠ

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the list of everyone's partners
> 
> Lon'qu: Psychemon and Kuwugamon  
> Raquesis: Alraumon  
> Tiki: Kimeramon  
> Reinhardt: YumikiPatamon (a fanmade digimon of mine)
> 
> Seliph: Gazimon and Gizamon  
> Lukas: ToyAgumon and BlackToyAgumon  
> Boey: Darcmon  
> Lucius: Kudamon
> 
> Berkut: BlackGuilmon  
> Lyn: Monmon  
> Julia: Labramon  
> Shade: Tyrannomon
> 
> Ike: Agumon (2006)  
> Marth: Gabumon  
> Roy: Gomamon  
> Richter: Tsukaimon
> 
> Anthony: Andromon  
> Sam: Kunemon


	38. The One Where Shade has to explain a lot

**Shade has created a new chat!**

**Shade has renamed the chat The Reinhardt Inquisition**

**Shade has added Alfonse, Sharena, Eir, Anna, Fjorm, Laegarn, Laevatin, and Sam, Roadkill Genius to the chat!**

**Sam, Roadkill Genius has changed the chat name to Eir Protection Squad**

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Sorry, The OG name is the Reinhardt protection squad chat that I got invited to by Lukas. I don't want my notifications confused

 

Shade: So why wasn't I invited?

 

Sharena: Hold on, I'll get you an invite. 

 

Shade: But the main point of the chat.

 

**Shade has sent Screenshot.1.jpg**

 

Shade: @Eir please explain this. 

 

Eir: Sam! We weren't supposed to talk about this! 

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: I did it for everyone's safety. Have you seen what she can do? I don't want you brainwashed again in order to get some semblance of a mother's love. She doesn't love you. I think even Lusamine loved her daughter more than Hel loves you. 

 

Alfonse: wait, brainwashed AGAIN!? 

 

Alfonse: And your just casually talking about it like it's one of Shade's hot pockets?!

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius; It's why her soliders are so loyal. Thasir and Lif would be on our side if it wasn't for that goddamn spell. She controls the dead like puppets.

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Hell the only reason me and Eir aren't on her side is because of her multiple lives shenanigans and me somehow getting into another dimension from this one so I can hijack some robotic shell to call my own. That's why she can't get to us. We're alive.

 

Shade: Wait, before you revealed yourself to us, you mentioned she can't control you, and she's your bitch, what the hel happened? 

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: The Tempest. The carnage from that gave her so much power I can't keep her in line, even as a strategist. It's only a matter of time before she figures out how to kill this vessel. 

 

Fjorm: Wait, what vessel?

 

Shade: Fjorm, read about 3 messages above. That'll explain it.

 

Fjorm: I have. But how did he get a machine shaped like a human body?

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: You know how there's armor? Think that, but around an entire body, there's mechanics that replicate human features inside the armor shell and the shell has skin and stuff. That's literally what I'm working with except more high tech. And I can literally fall off of a cliff like Emmeryn and still not have brain damage. Cuz, u know, I don't have a goddamn brain.

 

Shade: But how do you have memories and stuff like that?

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: See if your already dead, then mortal body functions don't apply so you can go from vessel to vessel, no matter what it's made out of and still have the same memories from the previous vessel. Because it's applied to the spirit rather than the functional body itself. 

 

Sharena: I'm confused owo

 

Alfonse: I think we all are. @Shade do you understand it.

 

Shade; Dude. 

 

Shade: Before I met him, I was writing fanfictions about stuff like this. 

 

Shade: I seriously thought he was still a fictional character even after I came here. 

 

Shade: This just made fanfiction a lot wierder now.

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Do you write incest/porn?

 

Shade: No. Psychological and Body Horror

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Your off the hook. Still trying to find the one who wrote the one about me selling out my brother as a goddamn prostitute. 

 

Shade; That's the one that made Berkut cry and Reinhardt vomit. But don't tell them I told you that.

 

Shade: In fact a lot of fanfiction made Berkut cry. Some due to how good it was, others due to the content

 

Shade: And then there was missionh from god. That was something else. When we had the smashers over, everyone kept asking Snake if Marth was his son. And if they were gay. And if Samus was a lesban

 

Shade: Either way, Florina can now drop the lesban hammer on people. 

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Wow. I have a lot of history to dig through. 

 

Shade: Takumi, Tiki and Lon'qu are the best people to go to. For other things, Reinhardt and Lyn. 


	39. The One with Everyone on some sort of Weed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I blame Virion.

Shade: So math basically goes like Frederick has 19 bottles of dish soap..

 

Anthony: Wait why would he have so much dish soap.

 

Frederick : To rid everyone of their sins. Starting with yours.

 

Shade: @Reinhardt 

 

Shade: Hurry

* * *

 

Shade: New rule. No more Gangplank Galleon at 5 am.

 

Anthony: OwO we've got a challenger.

 

Shade: Fuck I forgot he's a K. Rool main

* * *

 Pent: @Lukas @Reinhardt

 

Pent: So in order to see where he's at I gave Anthony an assignment where it talks about why the government matters.

 

Pent: All he wrote was "It doesn't, not when you have to fight for your survival because of a mad dragon who can turn anyone into a faceless at will for no reason other than sheer boredom."

 

Berkut: I mean it was true for like 7 years of his life and another 3 to try and help him unlearn the shit he was traumatized with

* * *

Shade: I'm the 1930's

 

Alfonse: Explain????

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: The Great Depression

* * *

 

Anthony: When two bees fight is it a bumble rumble?

* * *

Berkut: So let me get this STRAIGHT

 

Lyn: No it's more like let me run this BI you

 

Reinhardt: I think we should see how this PANS out

 

Lukas: I think we should ACESS the situation

 

Leon: I'm gay

* * *

 

Berkut: First time I take this new shit to the market, Shade dissappears so he literally kicks a trash can, goes in it and says "Shade are you in there!? If you are can you say hi to my brother?"

* * *

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: So Shade since we are kind of from the same world, just mine has more monsters, what's trending there?

 

Shade: Pain. And crippling depression.

* * *

Shade: So your brother nearly destroyed an entire dimension with a chimera abomination that Tiki is now in charge of..... because why?

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: He wanted attention.

* * *

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: @Richter since your in this chat somehow...

 

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Was symphony of the night's dialouge recorded in a gas station bathroom????

 

Richter: That wasn't even me.... That was a shitty clone Shaft made to make it look like I was there but in reality he was trying to gangbang me with a shit ton of other monsters

 

Shade: Somehow that's funny even with the context I have and fanfiction spinoffs of it. 

 

Richter: Well it's not to me. ;-; Most traumatizing idk how fucking long of my life.

* * *

Sam, Roadkill Genius: Richter is a Dorito. Change my mind. 

* * *

Sam, Roadkill Genius: I don't control the speed at which humanity dies. If that was the case then me and Kunemon would've taken Eir out of this joint along time ago and hunted down Akiyama's ass. 

 

Shade: Can I welcome our new edgy little reaper overlord now?

 

 

 

 

 

 


	40. The One With the Brotherly Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Get ready kids, we're about to head into full on crossover mode
> 
> More so than already

**Sam, Roadkill Genius has changed their name to Osamu**

 

Osamu: So who the fuck is @Really Shulking It,@ Arm Pit, @Lasagaroar, @Big Mac and @T̴̪͇͙͉̖͈̲̯̻̤̲̬̀̓͋̒́͗ͅḨ̴̖̮͇̞͓̳͖̱̿́͝E̴̜͑̈́̍̀̂̌̀̎̽̍̓̉̈́̎̆ ̶̘̫͇̣̲̠̮̳͙̓͆̇̊́̈́̒̒B̵̛͈̻̺͇̥͖̯̊͋̃̎̆̉̋̅̇̓̋͊͝͝Ą̸̙̝̲̬̘͇͈̤̺̪͙͉̽͌̔̏̌́̚͘͘͜B̶̨̪̩͔̤̻̀̌͒̈́̈Y̷̡̯̭̺̣̰̟̲͐͌̉̈̈͒͑̍ 

 

Shade: Shulk, Dark Pit, Incineroar, Little Mac and Samus

 

Osamu: What's an Incineroar? Everyone else Ike's caught me up with

 

Shade: The newest fire type starter

 

Osamu: Shit, Pokemon's going still?

 

Reinhardt: And it won't stop

 

Osamu: So a pokemon can type?

 

Richter: His trainer translates.

 

RADiant Hero: Isn't his trainer the first Alola champion?

 

Marth: Hold on, I have his information from smash

 

**Marth has added The Emperor of Your Mom to the chat**

 

Ken: Marth what the fuck?

 

Ken: Wait...

 

Ken: @Sam, Roadkill Genius send a nude

 

Osamu: No! No nudes! We both send a pic?

 

Marth: *giggling intensly*

 

Shade: Look at these dorks 

 

**Osamu has sent selfie.jpg**

 

**Ken has sent the squad.jpg**

 

Osamu: BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Ken: HUG ME BROTHA!!!!!! I'M SORRY FOR WISHING YOU'D DISAPPEAR

 

Osamu: YOU DIDN'T! I KNOW YOU MEANT FOR SOMETHING GOOD TO HAPPEN AND NOT ANGST!

 

Ken: Is that a digimon????

 

Osamu: Kunemon. I'm sorry I thought the digivice was an inside joke between you and Ryo. And slapping you in the face. And calling you the worst kind of human. 

 

Berkut: Shit. I now have 2 more reasons why I fucking hate you

 

Ken: KUT!!!!

 

Berkut: OwO what's this????

 

Osamu: What's all of the wierd creatures? I know Pikachu but.....

 

Ken: Cinder, my Incineroar, Talito who is Pikachu Libre, Swishy the Wishiwashi, Toffee the Salazzle, Azalea the Lurantis and Saber the Zygarde 10%. His full power looks like a goddamn gundam

 

Ken: Also when she's hungry Toffee straight up vores things, so when I come back to Askr, have a shit ton of peanut butter. It's the only thing her saliva won't dissolve.

 

Shade: I am witnessing a furry bait icon in the making aren't I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ken's team is literally my moon team that I made after him with the joke of, the 02 kids forcefully send him on a vacation after Tri because he was hit the worst from the Alphamon incident. Long story short he accidentally adopts all of Team Skull, Gladion, Lillie, Hau and Nebby (who's Lunala form is Aisun). Family dinners are now going to be extremely wierd for him aren't they


	41. The One with the Level 40 squad and a shit ton of exposure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We will be having a pride month chapter. Or Oneshot book. idk yet. Also this has a lot of my hcs in it. And lots of Roasting

**Lon'qu has created a new chat!**

**Lon'qu has added Raquesis, Tiki, Reinhardt, Seliph, Lukas, Boey, Lucius, Berkut,Lyn, Julia, Leon, Mae,Lene, Robin (M), Ike, Soren, Mist, Titania, Alm, Eldigan, Eliwood, Cain,Arvis, Sigurd, Lyon, Innes, Ephraim, Seth, Azura, Clive, Silas, Jakob, Joshua, Elincia, Tana, Oscar, Ishtar, Hawkeye, Dorcas, Anime Batman, Kana (F), Zelgius, Leo, Frederick, Ethlyn, Laevatein, Ogma, Athena, Gray, Mareeta, Marisa, Chrom, Lucina, Arden, Roy, Celica, Julius, Lilina, Canass, Snacki, Henry, Eirika, Nowi, Fjorm, Charlotte, Shiro, Hardin, Effie, Abel,Hinoka, Ryoma, Nowi, Tailtiu, L00t, Shigure, Morgan (f), Camilla, Bartre, Linus, NOT T3R3Z1, Sheena, OHO, Haar, Elise, Nino, Sharena, Lewyn, Olwen, Gordin, Faye, Klein, Takumi, Matthew, Jaffar, Gaius, Linde, Eir, Genny, Serra, and Veronica to the chat!**

**Lon'qu has banned Shade, Anthony, Alfonse, Zephiel, Sam and Ken from the chat!**

**Lon'qu renamed the chat to "Shove a Potato up Anthony's ass"**

 

Reinhardt: no we aren't doing the chat name. 

 

Alm: Dude how many people are there!?

 

Lon'qu: Relax. Just the 5* Level 40's. If you've gone through that bullshit, your trust worthy.

 

Gaius: @Robin

 

Gaius: He's not a 5* Level 40

 

Lucius: We're taking a meal break then heading back out. He's level 12. He did the entire 40 for 4*. 

 

**Lon'qu has changed Gaius' name to Rabbit Furry Fucker**

 

Seliph: So why can't we talk about this in the main chat.

 

Lon'qu: See above the banned list. @Sharena don't tell them. 

 

Lon'qu: Anyways, mine and Nowi's daughters have arrived and Alfonse would scold me, Ken and Sam would probably call the FBI, Shade would kinkshame me, Zephiel would kill me and Anthony would have more dirt on me then there is porn of Tharja and Lucina. Combined. 

 

Celica: But Nowi's a consenting adult????

 

Berkut: That looks 10. I know that feeling but reversed. I look way older but I'm still not old enough to drink according to Shade. Which makes all of the porn all of the more disturbing

 

Reinhardt: Wait, your daughters?????

 

Reinhardt: AM I A GRANDPA????

 

Lon'qu: There's a 5 or 6 year age gap between us Reinhardt. You are not a grandfather.

 

Nowi: But are you willing to be a godfather?

 

Reinhardt: HOLY SHI-

 

Lukas: He's crying. In joy. 

 

Nowi: That goes for the main squad: @Tiki , @Raquesis, @Seliph @Boey @Lukas @Lucius @Soren @Matthew

 

Tiki: But I'm a woman. 

 

Raquesis: She's talking godmother. 

 

Arvis: Isn't one of them the beet dragon with the stupid name?

 

Seliph: Dad! We don't talk about Nah like that! She's a friend! 

 

Jaffar: .... Do you want me to kill the banned list? 

 

Haar: How much gold can I give ya to delete the gremlin.

 

Reinhardt: NO

 

Reinhardt: WE ARE NOT KILLING ANTHONY

 

Leo: Xander can offer one of Berkut's half eaten bags of Doritos. 

 

Ryoma: And a lap dance?

 

Jaffar: I don't swing that way. 

 

Berkut: MY DORITOS

 

Reinhardt: YOUR ADOPTED BROTHER IS BEING BID ON FOR A KILL AND YOUR DORITOS ARE THE FIRST CONCERN!?

 

Julia: When did Reinhardt adopt Berkut?

 

Sheena: The day he arrived. He saw an angsty boi who needed some male figure in his life that really appreciated him and didn't do a shit ton of drugs. 

 

Alm: According to Rinea, the woman he refers to as his mom isn't even his mom, just his high af dad's concubine who wanted him to be better than his parents so she gave him so much work so he wouldn't have a chance to do drugs.

 

Matthew: #EXPOSED

 

Genny: I heard there were shots fired. 

 

Berkut: I AM BEING FUCKING ATTACKED POTATO PEELER UNBLOCK SHADE SO SHE CAN HELP ME.

 

Clive: Is it just me or is this tea really hot?

 

Silas: Are you referring to Owain thinking I have a tea fetish? 

 

Jakob: Wait that isn't a thing?

 

Faye: Nah, tea is gossip Silas. But damn it is hot Clive. 

 

Clive: Wait, @Lon'qu can you add Rinea, we need to see if this is true. 

 

Berkut: DON'T UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR GODDAMN FUCKING PENIS MOUNTED ON MY GODDAMN WALL IN MY QUARTERS BACK IN RIGEL

 

Hector: I mean it would get harder there than it does with Nowi.

 

Raquesis: Hector!!!!

 

Lyn: Ya goddamn disappointment. 

 

Hinoka: Jakob writes fanfiction about Silas' tea fetish. 

 

Sigurd: Shit, this is getting hotter than the Bellhalla BBQ. And I was the main course!

 

Arvis: Sigurd I'm not a vorehound unlike Ken's Salazzle. 

 

Jakob: @Felicia help me!

 

Felicia: Idk Jakey, the evidence is pretty damning. 

 

**Felicia has sent wannadoalivereadingofthis?.jpg**

 

 

Silas: SHIT THERE'S PROOF AND NO WE AREN'T READING IT

 

Lon'qu; I mean if we're putting dirt on people. @Chrom doesn't peel any fruit, not just oranges. @Gaius is into furry porn. @Reinhardt is a clopper. 

 

Reinhardt: Ok, didn't I do a whole goddamn lecture with evidence I'm not into pony porn? And on that note: @Ishtar is into BDSM

 

Ishtar: #RUDE tumut

 

Ike: @Titania has a fetish for my dad. I see the way you've wanted to get at him!

 

Mist: That was at least when she was like Shade's age Ike. I doubt she has it. 

 

Ike: Ur into Lesbian porn

 

Eir: I caught Shade writing porn about Sam getting--

 

Eliwood: Nino and Lillina are in the chat Eir! 

 

Hector: No spill. Is this the one where he gets tentacle fucked by Milleniummon via Ryo?

 

Reinhardt: I CLEAN HER ROOM SOMETIMES AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE HENTAI!

 

Eliwood: Did you check her laptop?

 

Berkut: I have! Several times! She has me proof read for her! 

 

Lukas: @Hector sorry to burst your bubble but

 

Lukas: That was fernand not Shade. He does shit like that all the time

 

Clive: OH FUCK I THOUGHT HE MOVED ON FROM THAT

 

Berkut: YOU MEAN THAT'S FROM WAY BACK AND NOT A RECENT THING!? I THOUGHT HE DID THAT WITH ME ONLY!

 

Sharena; My brother sometimes sniffs the guy's underwear trying to figure out which one's his. 

 

Lucius: Well the girly panties in there are mine and Marth's. Don't ask they feel alot softer.

 

 

Lyon: U FOOLS


	42. The One where shit gets real !!Spoilers!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers for the new chapter. Also I'm done w the banner already since I got Nah on my free summon. ;-; my otp family is united except my oc.

Alfonse: @Lon'qu I'm not mad. I'm shocked you even had a kid seeing as your terrified of women

 

Nowi: He doesn't get scared around me or the girls.

 

Alfonse: Wait, girls as in plural?

 

Nowi: Yeah, Nah's the older kid while 'Suki is the younger. Both of them are like their papa in different ways. 

 

Shade: Today in a nutshell. Alfonse: Who are you? Lif: I'm you but I let the bone zone consume me. 

 

Eir: Also fyi me nor Sam had any idea what the fuck was going on.

 

Nah: >-<. That's why I tried to warn you.

 

Nah: Also @Stahl get prepared for pretty pegaprincess. 

 

Shade: Wait Sumia can't even get married to him in awakening

 

Stahl: Now I can. Suck it nerds. 

 

Shade: So Nowi/Lon'qu and Stahl/Sumia are canon. Who else?

 

Nah: Sully/Donnel and Maribelle/Vaike

 

Nah: Y'all figured out Gaius was a furry long before we were even announced. 

 

Lyon: Guess who's getting blackmailed when they get to askr? It's fukin Maribelle!

 

Richter: And guess who's in smash? That's right it's banjo!

 

**Richter has sent nonutsandboltshere**

 

Shade: Back on topic what the fuck is Lif actually. He's like Alfonse but ruined and???? @Lif fuck it I'm tagging you

 

Lif: Go away

 

**Lif has left the chat**

 

Shade: @Lif

 

Sharena: @Lif explain please!

 

Eir: @Lif Please?

 

Osamu: @Lif Before I break your goddamn face in and let the snake dog feast on your bones?

 

Veronica: @Thrasir So are you me?

 

Thrasir: In an alternate timeline. Everyone died so we could kill Hel but that' didn't work too well. 

 

Osamu: Wait, if it functions off of heartbeats, then I'd be able to supply enough power to kill her. 

 

Shade: Hel: You ready to fuckin die!?  Sam: I'm already dead bitch, you can't kill me.

 

Thrasir: Ur lucky u didn't show up kid. She would've gored you into the ultimate strategist/weapon. Think Reinhardt's potency with roadkill's intellect and complete obedience like a puppet. 

 

Osamu: Yeah already told them. Wait, how are you guys free?

 

Thrasir: @Knoll @Laurent 

 

Thrasir: Their the only reason we're having this conversation.

 

Anthony: BANJO!?

 

Shade: Too late kid. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Suki is my precious bby link here: https://toyhou.se/2336695.-suki


	43. The One With Homestuck PT2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am fuckin trash. Lyon don't have shit on me.

Andrew Hussie: So... 

 

Andrew Hussie: Lyon changed the names and I cannot unchange them until today is over. Great

 

Andrew Hussie: Imagine today is the day everyone who isn't on comes on. 

 

Lord English:  _ **SMELLS LIKE TEEN SPIRIT WOULDN'T YOU SAY?!**_

 

Dirk Strider: The fuck is going on?

 

Bro: Ken, who taught you that word????

 

Dirk Strider: @Ryo bc of @Milleniummon

 

Bro: THAT FUCKING DICKWEED

 

Andrew Hussie: Wait if Ken's Dirk then would it be Davis or Yolei that would be Jake?

 

Karkat Vantas: OK BUT HOT TAKE: META KNIGHT WANTS TO GET RID OF DREAMLAND'S LAZY LIFESTYLE AND HAS A BLUE COLOR SCHEME WHILE KING DEDEDE IS LAZY AS SHIT WHILE HAVING A RED+BLUE COLOR SCHEME. KIRBY IS THE SAME SPECIES AS META KNIGHT

 

Karkat Vantas: SO META KNIGHT= SPORTACUS, DDD= ROBBIE ROTTEN AND KIRBY= STEPHANIE

 

Equius Zahhak: D--> So who is the one always getting stuck in the tree?

 

Andrew Hussie: Have you SEEN the residents of cappy town? ALL OF THEM could classify. Dumb shits. Well except Escargoon. That fucker builds Nanomachines for fun. Why he's still with Penguin Yosemite Sam I have no idea. 

 

John Egbert: WE DON'T SHAME DDD HERE! >:B

 

Bro: Egghead, chill.

 

John Egbert: Also people have been cunt shaming Lief for that nonbinaryphobic comment he had, should I forgive him or let the shaming continue???

 

Equius Zahhak: D--> Continue it. Thot needs his lesson. 


	44. The one where it's Reinhardt's birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also Father's Day but that can be its own chapter right????

Shade: I cannot believe KFC of all places exists in Askr but not Taco Bell 

 

Berkut: <https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=05P_A8fjEAo>

Shade: Does it look like I needed that?

 

Reinhardt: Does it look like I needed a Rainbow Dash dildo? No I didn't @Leon

 

Leon: <https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=WZ7NrApups8>

 

Shade: I still keep forgetting that exists. FOR A REASON

 

Reinhardt: Real talk tho I just wanna take all the Todoroki siblings an like??? Be their dad???? Hector even has the same va as Endevwhore

 

Berkut: Oh yeah everyone's been catching up on MHA.

 

Shade: I've been up to date even before I came here. 

 

Berkut: The Bakusquad is the Deliverance change my mind. 

 

Lukas: X

 

Shade: WHO TAUGHT LUKAS TO MEME!?

 

Arthur: I 

 

Arthur: AM HERE!

 

Berkut: Oh, the all might knock off figured out the chat. 

 

Elise: No room to talk hentai hands!

 

Shade: <https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0z7H46WFMFg>

 

Reinhardt: Did she just make her own meme to destroy you?


	45. The one where pent won't show up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No seriously I'm at a 4.50% rate

Shade: Confirmed Cryptids

 

Shade: Tooru Hakure, Aoyama Yuuga, The Developers adding Anthony to Heroes, Pent, Mothman

 

Tru Dad: Wait what was the middle one?

 

Shade: Adding Anthony to Heroes

 

Tru Dad: The one after it.

 

Shade: Mothman

 

Lonqu: The reason why he's a cryptid is he's also my stand. 

 

Shade: LAMP

 

Louise: No seriously Pent is acryptid he won't come back 

 

Google Chrom: I might hate Anthony but I hate to admit that I rather have him the way he is instead of Piss baby?

 

Tru Dad: Piss Baby????

 

Shade: Grape Rape

 

Our Boi: Dad I'll explain later.

 

Shade: Also can we get an F in the chat since arya and lute have the same va as the piss baby?

 

Berkut: Can I throw piss baby out the window?

 

Shade: No well let the 1-A girls delete him out of existence. In this house we Stan Hitoshi Shinsou. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://archiveofourown.org/works/18761332/chapters/44507497
> 
> This is the work that inspired the cryptid


	46. The One Where I probably Won't write a father's day chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And Pent still isn't here

RADiant Hero: Real talk tho, are we sure Jirou isn't Ken's daughter going through an emo phase????

 

Shade: Yes because we have references of her parents and she takes more after her mother appearance wise. 

 

Delthea: Sorry to do this but I have to add my brother. He heard about my hero academia in the chat @Luthier

* * *

 

**Luthier has created a new chat!**

 

**Luthier has named the chat Plus Ultra!**

 

**Luthier has added Anthony, Alm, Berkut, and 19+ others!**

 

**Luthier has changed Anthony's name to Deku**

 

**Luthier has changed Alm's name to All Might**

 

**All Might has changed their name to ALM Might**

 

**Luthier has prohibited name changes**

 

**Luthier has changed Lon'qu's name to Dabi**

 

**Luthier has changed Peri's name to Toga**

 

**Luthier has changed Sam's name to Ingenium**

 

**Luthier has changed Ken's name to Tenya**

 

**Luthier has changed Berkut's name to Shoji**

 

**Luthier has changed Mathilda's name to Mina**

 

**Luthier has changed Legault's name to Sero**

 

**Luthier has changed Arvis' name to The Better Endevwhore**

 

Shade: Who taught you this?

 

**Luthier has changed Shade's name to Aizawa sensei**

 

**Shade has changed their name to Tired Dad**

 

Tired Dad: I can take the editing from here Lu. I have the VA list up

 

**Tired Dad has changed Julia's name to Kota**

 

**Tired Dad has changed Mae's name to Pixiebob**

 

**Tired Dad has changed Henry's name to Deku #2**

**Tired Dad has changed Lucina's name to Mei**

 

Mei: But that's not my va...

 

Tired Dad: According to your alts it is. 

 

ALM Might: Can we get an F for Arya and Lute? 

 

Tired Dad: We already discussed this Alm. 

 

Shoji: Wait, why is Shade the tired dad and not me?

 

Deku: 1, she sleeps more than u.

 

Deku: 2 you have the same va as Shoji. That's the joke

 

Mina: And why is Anthony Deku?

 

Luthier: Have you SEEN the way he is with Alm. It's like an alternate universe

 

Tenya: Should I even ask???

* * *

 

**Main Chat**

Anthony: I just kidnapped the Galar starters. 

 

Ken: And your just casually talking about it????

 

Anthony: No, they decided to get a researcher for less money than the one the trailer showed, and he was abusing the poor things so I stopped him, reported him and now have 3 little buddies.

 

Shade: So is the og professor back in her job?

 

Anthony; lol yeah made sure she got it before I left. She let me keep the starters since they liked me so much

 

**Anthony has sent startersquad.jpg**

 

Ken: I just.... I'm stanning Sobble. That little dude encompasses me and all my failures. 

 

Shade: Don't we all? 

 

Ken: #SobbleSquad


	47. The one where it's a test

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please check out my Digimon fic. It has 4 chapters but it says I haven't updated it even tho I have

Shade: Ao3 pls update my fic ;-;

 

Helbindi: Which fic you updating this time?

 

Shade: My Digimon one. I'm hoping to get inspiration from it to work on my bnha one. 

 

Helbindi: So why not work on that one while it updates the Digimon one?

 

Shade: It is updated but it says I haven't. Hopefully Reinhardt can fix it.

 

Reinhardt: Why are you also get me?

 

Shade: And why does Dabi without his scars look like Lon'qu? Exactly


	48. Oh shit the chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mood

Shade: Bladehardt came home with the worst Ivs possible,-atk,+spd can I get an oof?

 

Cecilia: Oof for another retarded inbred. Wait they all look like that. 

 

Ken: <https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=kcjxvK7tcEY>

 

Ken:@Cecilia lets go bitch

* * *

 

Sharena: @Alfonse and @Jamke sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G! First comes C, then the D!

 

Alfonse: Why does this matter?

 

Jamke: <https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bqwL58xjIAg>

 

Anna: Is the entire chat like this?

 


	49. The One with the Gay Chat V3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I will fight people.

Seliph: So how did everyone’s coming out plan go?

 

Reinhardt: Got bitch slapped by Olwen and she literally said “you fucking useless Pan pizza I already fucking knew you ain’t slick.” And then she smacked me with the frying pan I was gonna use to come out.

 

Olwen: Oh that is so going on Fehtube once we get it up. 

 

Alm: Berkut wasn’t surprised, Rinea gave me a rainbow cheesecake, Celica was cool with it as long as we could still rule as the best bromance, dad was cool, grandpa was cool, ram squad wanted to use me as a wingman and Lukas just gave me the most dad answer? 

 

Seliph: it’s not just the ram squad he does it to. He does it to me boey and lu as well.

 

Lukas: Got disowned by my father and half brother and “I haven’t met the right lady and it’s just a phase” also got seriously attacked afterwards.

 

Fernand: I may have been a dick to you but I’m not a homophobic pos. 

 

Ephraim:🔪

 

Ephraim: The gun got changed to a water gun which sucks Valter's rancid dick.

 

Reinhardt:🔪💣🗡⚔️🧨✂️👀

 

Reinhardt: 

 

Seliph: There’s nothing there tho?

 

Reinhardt: FUCK


	50. The One with Three Houses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spoilers + Part 50!!!! I can't believe these idiots are still at it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helbindi won't come home but I now have Grima. -atk obv

Grima: 'Sup Fuckers!?

 

Shade: Crippling Depression.

 

Marth: Speaking of which.

 

_**Marth has added 20+ users!** _

 

Marianne: Remove me please. 

 

Lorenz: Oh wow, she actually has communication skills. That's a wonder.

 

Claude: hEy! We drink our respect women juice in this chat!

 

Edlegard: I drank so much I turned Bi. 

 

Dorothea: I drank so much I became a lesbian. 

 

Florina: Haha same. 

 

Lyn: #mood

 

Shade: Now it's the question if Lyn and Reinhardt had a kid behind mine, Florina's and Lukas' backs. 

 

Linhardt: *Drops off of teacher's desk* I'm Gay. 

 

Edlegard: I don't even think there's like a single straight member of the Black Eagles. At least I know Hubert is ace/aro

 

Reinhardt: Damn we have a lot of people to add to the Everyone is Gay chat. 

 

Claude: Wait u guys have a chat for the gays? 

 

Reinhardt: It's more of a general LGBT+ chat. 

 

Claude: Lucky. Somehow I have every single token straight in my group. I'm prolly queer so this makes it more awkward.

 

Ashe: If it helps, I'm genderfluid. 

 

Mercedes: And I'm lesbian as well. 

 

Claude: Nope. At least our teacher's really understanding. Even though she's wierd as fuck. 

 

Shade: How wierd?

 

Claude: You ever seen my hero academia? She straight up walked into class on the first day in a sleeping back that was golden deer colored, said "I've been up all night with lesson plans for the entire year, just don't kill each other." and fell asleep in the sleeping bag on the floor and left us to our own devices. She even does the grin like Aizawa.

 

Reinhardt: Wait Byleth did that? 

 

Edlegard: No. Both of them are more so TA's around the schools than teachers for us. 

 

Shade: That wasn't your teacher..... 

 

Shade: That was me. I accidentally bodyswapped with her after she passed out writing the lesson plans, so i finished them for her and took her body to class so she could sleep and you guys still got an education.

 

Shade: Wierd experience but not in my top 10, trust me. Half of those belong to whatever shit Anthony and Berkut throw me into.  But I looked into it and that would've been in character for her so lol. 

 

Dmitri: You can't just lol out of body experiences! 

 

_**Shade has changed 5+ Names** _

Depression: This is an act of agression

 

Edgelord: Disgusted, I am revolted, I spend my entire life devoted to our lord and savior Seiros and THIS IS THE THANKS I GET!? 

 

Meme Man: This is fine. 

 

Reinhardt: Not to be rude or anything Claude but the internet keeps saying your trans and gay. Should we debunk this?

* * *

**Queer Musketeers +Depression**

Deer: Fuck the internet is on to me. 

 

Eagle: Why

 

Deer: They ripped me out of the closet on the trans thing before I was ready. I know Reinhardt didn't mean it but damn it hurts. 

 

Depression: I'm sure he'll understand if you privately talk to him. He's pan and really understanding. He was ready to fight someone over insulting bi people.

 

Deer: But still....


	51. The One where Shade actually reveals more about her origins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Also she tries to ascend

Gustav: You know I'm starting to regret this whole chat thing.

 

Shade: Don't worry Mr Askr, I'm used to disappointing everyone and everything in my life. 

 

Hector: Kid NO. 

* * *

 

**Parental Pride**

_**Strong Dad Has sent a screenshot** _

 

Strong Dad: Ok what the actual fuck is wrong with this kid. 

 

_**Flame Dad is online** _

 

Flame Dad: Wait this is the kid's chat? 

 

Strong Dad: No. This is the main chat, out to the entire public if they could get their hands on it. 

* * *

Shade: Honestly at this point I feel like if anything were to come out of my mouth, even Berkut would leave me. 

 

Alm: I doubt he's going to leave you. You and Reinhardt basically gave him freedom from his royal restraints. 

 

Celica: Noah fence but he won't leave you. For fucks sake he has a list of people he'd sell his soul for and your 2nd. Only to Rinea and that's prolly bc they engaged. 

 

Shade: You guys really don't know my trust issues don't you?

 

Shade: They're lower than a dead -hp iv Elise. Nonexistent. 

 

Elise: Dude you do know that this is getting sent to the parent's chat right?  That Berkut is somehow apart of?

 

Shade: How much do they know?

 

Hector: I've been recording the start of this whole thing. You can't delete these.

 

Titania: We all are just really worried about you.

 

Shade: People???? Actually caring for me????

 

Ken: Shocker we know. 

 

Ken: @Berkut tell your sperm result that your not gonna abandon her.

 

Berkut: But we're not related??? At all??? And why would I leave her?

 

Shade: Everyone else has. It's why I get so clingy and overly in my head. I've coped this way for so long...

 

Anthony: Wait you didn't even have your parents involved?

 

Shade: They knew but they worked back to back overtime so I kept things generalized so they would think everything is fine.

 

Shade: But it wasn't. 

 

Shade: Everyone made fun of me for my interests, the teachers were seemingly bribed into not noticing bc these assholes are fucking richer than well.... 

 

Shade: You know the money swimming joke? Think that but the ocean. 

 

Shade: So I just curled up into my own little world with roms, fanfiction and Gen Z coping: Hating Myself, Crying Externally Internally and Eternally along with a side of Memes and a good sense of humor. All a part of a nutritional breakfast. 

 

_Shade is offline_

 

Berkut: Uh... Damn...

 

Berkut: And I thought I was traumatized.

 

Anthony: Same

 

_Cain is online_

 

Cain: Has anyone seen mine and Sully's redbull?

 

_Dwyer is online_

 

Dwyer: Or my Death Wish coffee? That's the only way I get through the day.

 

_Raquesis is online_

 

Raquesis: Or the Nyquil in the medicine cabinet?

 

Anthony: And now the mountain dew is missing from the fridge in the war room. 

 

Richter: Guys check Smashtagram now in the live streams. We may have the answers

* * *

_The hallway is dark to the point where you can barely make out anything but there's still enough light to make out a short female figure with a giant cup in her hand. Below is a transcription of the livestream_

 

_Soren: Shade what the fuck are you doing!?_

 

_Shade: Making the strongest ass disassociation potion so I can finally ascend this realm. Or kill myself with this. Either or works._

 

_Ike: Shade no! Get the fuck to bed and dump that thing down the toilet!_

 

_Shade: I'm a bad bitch you can't control me!_

 

_Mist: *whispering* I'm running to get Sam and Camilla. *One can hear faint running in the background now*_

 

_Shade: I ain't afraid of no reaper! I looked him in the face and called him a bitch! I am sleep deprived and afraid of now one! You think The Belhalla BBQ was bad? I'm gonna make that look like a walk in the park!_

 

_*The running comes back, now with at least two more pairs of feet*_

 

_Reinhardt: What the actual fuck is going on? Shade it's midnight!_

 

_Soren: Your "not little sister" is trying to "Making the strongest ass disassociation potion so I can finally ascend this realm. Or kill myself with this. Either or works. " *You can make vague guesses of air quotations._

 

_Mist: Wait what does that even mean?_

 

_Sam: Well I guess this is where the missing items went._

 

_*Shade stares unblinking into everyone's eyes and puts the cup up to her mouth, ready to chug the thing.*_

 

_Ike: Shade just please go to bed. We'll get you taco bell just please for the love of god don't drink that._

 

_Shade: Hey OP do you take constructive criticism?_

 

_Soren: What does that have to do with anything right now?_

 

_Shade: I hate it._

 

_Mist: Dude, we will get Genny and we already have Camilla_

 

_Shade: I've stared Death in the face and called him a pansy bitch. Not even the combined forces of Rita Repulsive and the Rusty Toaster that's on fire can stop me now._

 

_*A deep breath is heard from the cameraman, presumably Soren or Alfonse*_

 

_Alfonse: Shade, this is deeply concerning._

 

_Shade: Ur mom is concerning *She puts the cup on the counter, dabs then quickly gets it back into her hand before anyone can grab it*_

 

_Shade: I'm on 168 hours of sleep deprivation and you can't stop me._

 

_Soren: THAT'S AN ENTIRE WEEK WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK SHADE_

 

_Shade: The gods have abandoned me and I wish to throw these hands at them. Preferably to the death. Bitches._

 

_Ike: Where's Morgana or Aizawa when you need them?_

 

_*Camilla walks over and throws Shade over her shoulder, not spilling a drop and seemingly has a death grip on her cup*_

 

_Camilla: Bed. Now._

 

_Shade: Hey look nobody! There's someone actually concerned for me!_

 

_*Shade then does the unthinkable and chugs the entire thing*_

 

_Shade: I AM GOD NOW. YOU DO NOT SCARE ME_

 

_Alfonse: SHADE YOU'RE GONNA DIE FROM THAT_

 

_Shade: GOOD. NOW I CAN FINALLY THROW THESE HANDS AT THEM._

** _The Livestream abruptly ends with no sort of true clue of what the fuck went on with her after_ _that._ **

* * *

 

Berkut: NO THAT DOES NOT GIVE ME ANSWERS THIS MAKES ME MORE CONCERNED!

 

Richter: But damn. How fucked up did her other world make her?

 

Anthony: Well she makes jokes about her mental stability so that might be a clue...

 

Hector: The answer is "fucked up enough to make Berkut, Anthony and Lukas seemingly having normal upbringings." 

 

Berkut: But what made her snap?????

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was inspired by https://archiveofourown.org/works/18026105/chapters/44150926 's portrayal of Izuku which honestly is a fucking mood for Shade. Also I am very sick right now so sporadic updates whenever lol


	52. The One where it's an actual fucking chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haven't written something like this in a while. Prepare to feel things that I didn't know everyone could feel for a meme lord.

"Holy fuck." Berkut sighed as he slumped on to the wall closest to his bed, phone falling limply out of his weakened hand. Damn he was tired but what kind of shit was Shade getting herself into? "Child what the hell is wrong with you??? Who did this to you???" He questioned softly, not wanting to wake his next door neighbors, if they weren't awake from the chat or the livestream that somehow got leaked. Everything was starting to fall in place now. Something.. no _someone_ did this to his summoner... And the scars possibly ran _deeper than he could possibly even delve into._ Especially now that she's dranken the ascension potion, that _thankfully_ Raquesis was pumping her stomach for... 

 

"Honestly at this point I feel like if anything were to come out of my mouth, even Berkut would leave me."

 

"People???? Actually caring for me????"

 

"Everyone else has. It's why I get so clingy and overly in my head. I've coped this way for so long..."

 

"They knew but they worked back to back overtime so I kept things generalized so they would think everything is fine, but it wasn't. Everyone made fun of me for my interests, the teachers were seemingly bribed into not noticing...  So I just curled up into my own little world with roms, fanfiction and Gen Z coping: Hating Myself, Crying Externally Internally and Eternally along with a side of Memes and a good sense of humor. All a part of a nutritional breakfast. "

 

"Or kill myself with this. Either or works."

 

"I'm on 168 hours of sleep deprivation and you can't stop me."

 

"The gods have abandoned me and I wish to throw these hands at them. Preferably to the death. Bitches."

 

"Hey look nobody! There's someone actually concerned for me!"

 

_"GOOD. NOW I CAN FINALLY THROW THESE HANDS AT THEM."_

 

_"Crippling Depression."_

 

_"Pain. And crippling depression."_

 

_"And I'm fuckin trash ur point?"_

 

_"I am ready for death"_

 

_"An abomination? Nah that's me."_

 

_"Hello Darkness my old friend."_

 

_"I'm bad at everything. Mood."_

 

_"I just need to get in a fight to feel alive."_

 

_"Mental Stability my old friend!"_

 

All of those so called 'jokes' all made sense. It was a desperate plea for help. The speech from her one year anniversary suddenly had more context. " _When I was summoned here, I wasn't a hero. I was what my school called "a weaboo" or "nerdy girl who won't shut up about her stupid fandoms." I was average at school, horrible at sports, but a warrior at heart. Roms on my school laptop and fanfictions hidden in my notes. An Emblemier I was, and still am. At first, I thought it was a sick joke for laughs that the school wanted to do in order to blackmail me, but it wasn't. Summoning gun in hand, I became something more..."  
_

 

She had been in Askr for over 2 years now and now they finally fucking noticed her pleas for help. Everyone thought she was joking...

 

_"I am still really fucking bad at math..."_

 

_"Kirby Absorbed you and got a power! What did he get? Crippling Depression."_

 

He would think as someone with serious mental issues, _he'd pick up on this shit faster!?_ But he couldn't... And for the first time since he came to the order, Berkut did the one thing he was molded to not do.

 

He sobbed his eyes out, not caring if he woke anyone up. He just wanted to know who had less of a heart than him to do that to such a nice girl.

* * *

Word quickly traveled the Order whether by mouth or stream. Lon'qu wanted nothing to do with it. He failed to protect a girl he loved once, he _wasn't_ going to let that happen again. So he did the one thing he knew best: Stab people. Or rather training dummies. Sweat furred his brow, the same look of murder in his eyes as he has in combat. He wasn't going to let anyone die on his watch again. That he could promise. This time, he would succeed in protecting her. 

* * *

Raquesis basically barricaded herself into the infirmary once Camilla dragged the screaming, sobbing mess of the summoner. She had to use a sleep spell to get her to calm down for 5 seconds, but accidentally did it for too long so it was at least 12 hours later. Thankfully that gave her enough time to put away everything that she could use or would use to hurt herself. It was like baby-gating the castle she supposed. Now that left her with a lot of time to nap and ponder " _what the fuck just happened."_ The blonde was no stranger to self harm. That's how she got away with the Earth Sword. She could heal her own self inflicted wounds, and allow herself to give more of them and the cycle repeated. Finn had snapped her out of it rather quickly within finding out but she'd know this girl for most of her time in Askr, so how did she not notice someone hurting _so deeply on the inside._

After Shade was released, she was going to go ham on the wine cellar and do some "ascending" herself. 

* * *

 

They promised no one would leave her... But why would Shade do that???

 

And that leads Tiki to go sobbing into Marth's lap just like old times, with Caeda gently coaxing her as well.

 

"I.. I.. couldn't do anything!" The dragon wailed. "I couldn't save her from herself! I'm afraid of being alone again!" 

 

"How would she be alone if she has everyone in the order?" Caeda whispered.

 

"Shade summoned everyone here... It's likely that Tiki assumes if she dies, then everyone gets sent back..." Marth replied, still holding the dragon close. "Let's just hope that theory isn't correct..."

* * *

Reinhardt couldn't close his eyes once after that stream ended. He was just so worried for her... She gave him a purpose, she found him the love of his life. His brother in arms... And every time he closed his eyes, all he saw was her dead body, mutilated in some way, so all night he'd been just staring at the desk in his room, candle flickering out hours ago, but it was mid day now and he had opened the blinds. And when he had taken a quick look at himself, he looked emptier than the void Grima crawled out of. And that's exactly how he felt. Not being able to help the one who helped him.

The world really hated him didn't it?

* * *

Everything bugged him still, but that didn't make him turn down Boey's invitation to have lunch in the garden. Rinea was the only other one there usually, so "Team Beta" as they called themselves, often had lunch when the weather was nice and duties permitted. But this lunch seemed emptier. Lucius had to pick up a couple of chores Raquesis had from before, and they already knew Lukas wouldn't be coming. They knew their dad needed to comfort his boyfriend. What they weren't expecting was a small and crying child. 

"Oh sorry guys." The kid sniffled. "I thought I'd be alone so I came here to cry it out without anyone getting concerned."

 

"Anthony we're always concerned for everyone. We know your worried for Shade. We all are." Seliph said as he sat next to the brunet. "Wanna join us for lunch?"

 

"No thank you. I'm not well enough to eat right now." He sniffled. "But I appreciate the sentiment."

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Hector was getting drunk with most of the parents aside from Arvis and Dierdre. 1. They didn't want another Julius incident and 2. Someone had to save the wine for the baddest bitch of them all. 

That's all you need to know about the parents

 

 

 

 

 


	53. The One Based on 3 Houses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Without Shade. Someone help Marth since he's the main admin

**Private Chat (Claude and Reinhardt)**

Claude: hey so... I know you didn't mean it... but the whole gay and trans thing is true. I just don't want everyone to know. I'm not ready to come out yet, I just need time to find myself

 

Reinhardt: dude I didn't know I'm sorry. 

 

Claude: It's fine. can u not tell anyone tho? I wanna come out on my own terms.

 

Reinhardt: Alright then. U wanna hug?

 

Claude: Yes

* * *

 

Sylvain: Wanna see a picture of my cock?

 

Marth: pls no there's children in this chat

 

Sylvain: 

 

Sylvain: Picture of my cock.

 

Ingrid: *Dmitri voice* _Is that a chicken???_

 

Sylvain: His name is Sir Cluckington.

 

Depression: When did you get that?????

 

Sylvain: Just a couple days ago. The dude with the pot on his head had extras so he gave one to me. 

 

Anthony: Donnel is just too pure. 

 

Marth: Anthony get off the chat, I have something inappropriate to share

 

_Anthony is idle_

 

Marth: Ok so Frederick was cleaning up some of the rooms bc he does that and he found this in the bathroom

 

_Marth has sent image.wtf_

 

Reinhardt: Is that a Rainbow Dash Plush?

 

Berkut: But there's white stains on it.

 

Meme Man: And there's a hole under the tail. A very big hole. 

 

Richter: Someone's been getting a Double Rainboom if ya know what I mean. 

 

Edgelord: Oh that Ferdinand's. 

 

Reinhardt: OH SHIT THUNDERUS MAXIMUS

 

Berkut: BISCUIT!

 

_5+ Users are offline_

 

Marth: Really? We have a cavalier with a horse fetish???

 

Seliph: Also Dmitri what's with your eye? You were clutching it badly?

 

Depression: It's actually glass. Lost it in Duscur. So now I can be a pirate and put my eye on someone. 

 

PaluBAEa: Yo @Edgelord your Seiros' descendant right?

 

Edgelord: Why do you ask?

 

PaluBAEa: She needs to bring the bong next time we get together, Duma accidentally broke Mila's.

 

Depression: Edgelord.exe has stopped working. She's about to go into a Berkut rant... And she's making fish noises. 

* * *

 

**The Gods are Dead, let's smoke Weed**

PaluBAEa has sent 3 images!

 

Slayros: Damn. We broke her. 

 

MILFA: Not unlike my bong. 

 

DOMa: Fuck you Mila

 

Toptyr: Hey at least they stopped the incest before it happened.

 

Assera: Yune finished the brownies, are we gonna get lit or what?

 

Daddy Grima: Finally. I wanna get high after the shit I've seen. 

 

Virloli: Pot brownies again? Why can't you people eat it raw like I do?

 

Ryo's bottom bitch: Viridi that's not how it works! You don't eat weed raw! 

 

Virloli: So is that why I always vomit? 


	54. The One with the Verdant Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aka my DLC house to represent green since the other 3 primaries have houses. All characters in Verdant are mine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blair is F!Blyeth and Ragna is my Teacher oc for 3H. She's teaching all the houses at once with the twins as her assistants. Please help her

Dorothea: @Blue Lions @Golden Deer We love you guys but we can't house you forever. 

 

Edgelord: Even if we're the safe house, we can still smell it. 

 

Ignatz: Sorry I'm locked in your bathroom, I'm still vomiting out from the first whiff.

 

Edgelord: Please keep it in the toilet. Other than that let it out

 

Sylvain: Dude rip Ig. Can we get an F?

 

Blyeth: What's going on?

 

Meme Man: The Verdant Wolves have only been here 2 hours and they've already hotboxed their common room. 

 

Blair: Dammit. 

 

Blair: @Ragna Get Sethet

 

Blyeth: She's not in this chat. 

 

**Blyeth has added Ragna Edge to the chat!**

 

Ragna: I can smell it from the library.

 

Ragna: Me and Sethet just checked and we got stoned from opening the door. 

 

Ragna: Currently in the infirmary and eating a giant bag of cheese puffs. 

 

Ragna: Rhea is just straight up disappointed in our new transfers and Seth is just staring at his hand for like 10 minutes now

 

Ragna: Class is cancelled. Blame the Verdant Wolves. 

 

Ragna: Update, their stud of a second in command came by with Pizza. Today is a good day. 

 

Anthony: Not to be rude but there's a horse in the bathtub. And it's none of the order's.

 

Ingrid: Shit. That's mine. 

 

Ingrid: Sorry bout Marshmallow

 

Anthony: It's no problem. We're just really wierded out. 


	55. The One Where I say Fuck Canon because it has me fucked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *sees all these spoilers on the wiki* I am about to end so many fucking careers.

**Black Eagles Chatroom**

_**Edlegard has added Kronya** _

 

_**Edlegard has changed Kronya's name to Stabby Sora** _

 

_**Edlegard has changed their name to Bi Eagle** _

 

Bi Eagle: JERALT JUST GOT STABBED

 

Stabby Sora: Oops.

 

Always Watching: That's all you have to say?

 

Stabby Sora: I stabbed my leader also. Flayn's been really nice to me so I need to repay her favor.

 

Bi Eagle: So now she's finishing her final year with us under Prof. Ragna

 

Bernie: 

 

CaSPAR: DID BERNIE JUST M E M E  HER WAY OUT OF THIS?!

 

sleepy bby: *omnipotent voice*  _ **Y E S**_

 

sleepy bby: brb gotta go cuddle w bf he getting rlly stressed

 

_sleepy bby is now idle_

 

Songstress: Wait Linhardt got a bf faster than any of us? 

 

Bi Eagle: Not to spill the hypothetical tea but it's Ashe from Blue Lions. 

 

Bernie: Now it's serious. We need to figure out if he's actually Reinhardt's and Lyn's son. The being gay thing just cements it. Even though Reinhardt's pan and Lyn's bi.

 

CaSPAR: That's actually the most you've said in this chat. I'm impressed. 

 

Bi Eagle: Also @Ferdinand they found your fuck buddy. And are now barricading the stables so you don't actually fuck one of the horses.

 

Ferdinand: Currently in gay baby jail right now. I got jumped by Edgymcfuckboi and Tiny hands. pls help

 

Always Watching: 

 

Bi Eagle:  _ **H U B E R T  N O**_

* * *

**Blue Lions Chat**

Ketchum: 

 

Annette: Can you ever just  _h e a r_ an image?

  
Bip Bip enfoiré: Sounds bout right. 

 

Depression: Holy shit so somehow these healers have figured out how to cure my tastlessness and holy shit food never tasted so good. I only ate to nurish my body now I'm gonna eat to LIVE

 

Mr htpnts: Don't eat till your fat enough for Deviantart to fap to.

 

Ketchum: Please explain

 

Mr htpnts: 

 

Depression: Did you choose Felicia to make me uncomfortable?

 

Mr htpnts: Oh there's more. Like Elise, Lyn, Ike

 

Mr htpnts: This one's my favorite and it's not even from our series. 

 

Mr htpnts: FUCK IT GOT DELETED OFF OF DEVIANTART

 

Cat: 

 

Mr htpnts: It was of that one kid that hangs around with the order sometimes. Not Anthony... Fuck... Bean Pole of a kid.... always hiding his wrists...

 

Ingrid: Ken?

 

Mr htpnts: Yeah him

 

Ingrid: Shade reported it since he's only like 14 Sylvain. What the actual fuck is wrong with you.

 

Mr htpnts: 

 

Cat: I normally don't say this but please kill yourself. 

 

Ketchum: Since we're sending cursed deviantart images

 

Ketchum: 

 

Annette: Imagine this being the CYL alt instead of the dong armor. 

 

Ketchum: 

 

Cat: Disappointment™️

 

Depression: *Marth Voice*  _I'm not mad I'm just disappointed._

 

Ketchum: Shade @IS when they released Adrift Camilla but not Anthony

 

Ketchum: Wait am I allowed to send the picture that this man drew of a 6yr old in a bikini?

 

Depression: Please no. I'm still traumatized to the fact Sylvain might've fapped to a 14 year old getting stuffed. 

 

Mr htpnts: Ok first of all, I did not fap to him specifically. I like my women thicc personally but all women are queens. 

 

Ingrid: So your brother thought if she breathes, she's a thot?

 

Mr htpnts: Accurate. 

 

DeDON'T: We need to delete the internet.

 

Bip Bip enfoiré: Please don't, I need my pinterest recipies. 

 

Mr htpnts: Find porn of your lord that wasn't tasteful?

 

DeDON'T: No.

 

DeDON'T: 

 

DeDON'T: Even though they are not on speaking terms, Ms Edlegard and Dmitri are in fact step siblings so I take pride in protecting both of them. Often from each other but not the point. 

 

DeDON'T: I fear this might happen. 

 

Annette: Already screenshoted and sent to the ladies' chat.

 

Ketchum: What was that screaming?

 

Ketchum: Nevermind it was Hubert naruto running down the halls to Edlegard's room to protect her.

 

Cat: 

Cat: They didn't even get the colors right. At least color match the damn thing first before you murder beloved icons to many kids. And some edgelords. 

 

Cat: I like Digimon just because of Kari ok? Blame Shade for showing me. 

 

Ingrid: As long as you don't take it too far, we won't judge. At least you won't fuck a horse. 

* * *

 

**Golden Deer Chat**

Meme Man: Ok so Jeralt got stabbed, the one who did it also stabbed some masked man and the reaper dude and is now finishing her last year over in Black Eagles. I feel like I'm missing something.

 

Hilda: Uh yeah, Professor Manuela almost died! And our professor getting questioned about Flayn being kidnapped! 

 

Marianne: And the fact people won't stop asking if I'm Berkut and Rinea's child from the future. 

 

Meme Man: Oh Yeah the Verdant Wolves hotboxed their common room again. Thank god I grew up around the smell so I can bear it, I just feel bad for you guys.

 

Lorenz: So you were stoned out as a child?

 

Meme Man: No, Pops had horrible pain so he grew and smoke it as a way to stop it. So no I wasn't stoned as a child. 

 

Leonie: And the fact your a prince. Why didn't you tell us that?

 

Meme Man: Even I didn't know???????

 

Meme Man: Cyril cried when he learned and just hugged me for like 4 hours straight. I am now his older brother and once this shit's done, I'm letting him live at the castle as my vassal. He didn't deserve this shit. 

 

Lysithia: Ok but is no one questioning that the only other thing in Claude's closet are Crocs, Hawaiian Shirts and Shirtless Sleeves?

 

Meme Man: And 4 Speedos. Each one more revealing than the last.

 

Hilda: And a pair of sequined booty shorts that say "Bottom Bitch" in bright pink.

 

Lorenz: Damn he sounds straight out of a damn porno. 

 

Meme Man: Ur a Porno. A bad one. 

 

Meme Man: Anyways listen to this shit: [Some Good shit Right here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRLQjWORROA)

 

Ignatz: Guys look what I found!

 

Ignatz: 

 

Meme Man: It's beautiful.

* * *

 

**Main Chat**

Marth: So what did you guys learn about the internet today?

 

Edgelord; it's strange.

 

Depression: Definitely disturbing

 

Meme Man: It's glorious. 

 

Ken: Also Dmitri I am very concerned about what happened in the blue lions chat. the fuck is Sylvain's problem? 

 

Depression: It's more like what isn't a problem in the Blue Lions? 

 

Raquesis: I'm sending Shade over to you guys, I can't take her anymore. 

 

Meme Man: Should I ask who Shade is?

 

Berkut: *breathes in* Sit down kid we're gonna be here longer than Homestuck.

 

Edgelord: What's Homestuck?

 

Lyon: I'm glad you asked. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All art minus the Golden Deer art was found on DA. Don't witch hunt these people. The animals were found on Reddit. 
> 
> Also Mercedes' chat name comes from the same chatfic where Aoyama is a cryptid


	56. The One with Ponies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I drew all of the pony pictures in this. The other cursed images are from deviantart.

**Blue Lions Chat**

_ **Depression has added Bernie to the chat!** _

 

Depression: Bernie is joining us on Monday. So please Sylvain, no more wierd fetish art.

 

Bernie: That isn't compared to what Ferdinand has sent in the BE chat. 

 

Cat: Oh?

 

Bernie: 

 

Bernie: This is only the start.

 

Bernie: 

 

Ketchum: Wierd as I only told you guys (minus Bernie) about me and Lin's relationship.

 

Bernie: 

 

Annette: IT'S US OMG YES!

 

Bip Bip enfoiré: I asked him to make this one. So that's on me. 

 

DeDON'T: Correction: We need to take the internet away from the Black Eagles. 

 

Bernie: Thank god I left before you stole their internet. 

 

Ketchum: Can Lin be the exception?

 

Depression: Yeah it's best we keep the internet away from the Black Eagles. 

 

Cyril: Dude the Golden Deer have only been using it to listen to meme music and look up fanart. 

 

Mr htpnts: 

 

Mr htpnts: Don't even get me started on all the damn Lyn fetish art. 

 

Ingrid: Sylvain I swear to fucking god Bernie is 15. 

 

Mr htpnts: 

 

DeDON'T: Correction again: We need to take the internet away from the Black Eagles AND Sylvain. 

 

Mr htpnts: 

 

Ingrid: For every sinful image after this I'm sending the Furret Walk. What the fuck Sylvain

 

Mr htpnts:  ** _T R Y  M E  B I T C H_**

 

Mr htpnts: 

 

Ingrid: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih9zBLDr_ro>

 

Mr htpnts: 

 

Depression: Sylvain that's a child. AGAIN. 

 

Mr htpnts: No she's legal. She's a manakete and 1000+ so she's legal fap material.

 

Bernie: Ok never mind this chat is more cursed than the black eagles. 

 

Annette: Unrelated but can we get these [for the common room please? I think it would add spice to it.](https://www.amazon.com/Nintendo-Kirby-Playing-Cards-Not-Specified/dp/B008BC4JWY/ref=as_li_ss_tl?keywords=kirby+playing+cards&qid=1561698277&s=gateway&sr=8-1&linkCode=sl1&tag=shupantamyy01-20&linkId=c2ff4407ed82dbae3a0aa7e2b036ab68&language=en_US)

 

Depression: A wonderful idea Annette. If only I knew how to purchase them.

 

Ketchum: Reinhardt showed me so it's all good. 

 

Ingrid: [I think Annette, Mercedes and Bernie all know why this is beautiful](https://www.firebox.com/Toast-Heated-Pillow/p6772?aff=1967&source=aw&awc=10781_1564884367_1b736d2db278a797d1240f44f63eec95&zanpid=10781_1564884367_1b736d2db278a797d1240f44f63eec95&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=affiliate_window&utm_campaign=au_buyer&utm_content=349263&utm_term=141123)

 

Cat: So I guess your period cramps are toast then?

 

Ingrid: Bless you. 

 

Bip Bip enfoiré: [Imagine riding into class on this. I think Professor Ragna would approve](https://www.japantrendshop.com/giant-kirby-plush-toy-and-manju-cake-set-p-4297.html?a_aid=takemyyen)

 

Flayn: [Guess who's getting this to annoy the shit out of her brother!? Me!](https://www.amazon.com/Otamatone-Maywa-Denki-Kirby-Ver/dp/B07C9R5ST8/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=sl1&tag=shupantamyy01-20&linkId=e9243db4501c313e5a4e5a0fb0f7492c&language=en_US)

 

Bernie: [Since we're all adding things we want... Is it ok if I get this for my room?](https://www.amazon.com/WEWILL-Creative-Glowing-Twinkle-Stuffed/dp/B01ECEAGP8/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&qid=1534319655&sr=8-3&keywords=led+star+pillow&linkCode=sl1&tag=shupantamyy01-20&linkId=4d8ec1d286dd6010071996bbd4fc7b9a&language=en_US)

 

Depression: Child it is totally ok if you get that. 

 

Cyril: We have acsess to a stolen credit card! 

 

Ingrid: A WHAT!?

 

Cyril: So Monica/Kronya was the reason the most hated professor on campus last year got banned because he kept groping people so she stabbed him and stole his credit card before she went down to that chamber. She has the pin number and everything.

 

Cat: Bless Kronya. As long as we don't get stabbed.

 

Depression: Yeah she's a lot more chill now on the stabbing part. Professor Jeralt is fine.

 

Annette: But Professor Manuela isn't. Someone found her passed out drunk on the floor of her office.

 

Ketchum: What a wonderful place to pass out! 

 

Ingrid: [The biggest meal the kitchen can make says Sylvain owns one of these but won't admit to it.](https://www.etsy.com/listing/571551372/euphoric-gentlesir-dakimakura?source=aw&awc=10781_1564885388_33c9fef0608248c1086cdaea67c376e0&zanpid=10781_1564885388_33c9fef0608248c1086cdaea67c376e0&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=affiliate_window&utm_campaign=au_buyer&utm_content=349263&utm_term=141123)

 

Cat: [Totally gonna use this so Sylvain can't breed. ](https://www.swordsofnorthshire.com/custom-made-hand-forged-samurai-sword-japanese-katana)

 

Ketchum: [Totally adding this to the common room games](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00K3EYT4Q/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00K3EYT4Q&linkCode=as2&tag=shupantamyy01-20&linkId=F6YH5E3RWKXEQJ5E)

 

Cat: [I WILL be getting everyone one of these for the summer months. ](https://otakumode.com/shop/5abb347f3d6804554ed0f4a7/Kirby-USB-Fan/?utm_campaign=affiliate_554329e1995e69ae589e4d60&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=ad)

 

Depression: Bless you Felix

 

Cat: Ur still a boar

 

Depression: Love ya too Feli.

 

Bip Bip Enfoie: [You all need one of these. Professor Ragna keeps going into everyone's rooms to blow out their candles bc you people keep forgetting to.](https://www.smokonow.com/collections/lights/products/xlb-ambient-light?rfsn=2608550.c63d6)

 

Bernie: Noted Mercedes! 

 

Flayn: [Now watch I bring this home and can't use it since we have no fucking electricity and I want waffles dammit](https://www.amazon.com/Pokemon-Poke-Ball-Waffle-Maker/dp/B07L5ZVPH5/ref=as_li_ss_tl?keywords=Pokeball+Waffle+Maker&qid=1558302274&s=gateway&sr=8-1&linkCode=sl1&tag=shupantamyy01-20&linkId=7d7fd4e668c606390d7d0caab8cf15b6&language=en_US)

 

Depression: I honestly think that the waffle maker will surely attract the Golden Deer. 

 

Bernie: Heck I'd come out of my room for waffles. 

 

Cyril: [Imagine getting all of the professors these. ](http://www.geekystamps.com/super-effective.html)

 

Mr htpnts: [Now we are set for the winter](https://www.amazon.com/Judy-Dre-Blanket-Polyester-blanket/dp/B00X601BWW/ref=as_li_ss_tl?keywords=Sailor+Moon+Blanket&qid=1554035717&s=gateway&sr=8-5&linkCode=sl1&tag=shupantamyy01-20&linkId=ffd036ab383447b6f2f59c30ad85d4f5&language=en_US)

 

DeDON'T: Isn't it frivalous to be spending someone else's money on useless things?

 

Ingrid: It's not frivalous if it's things that will improve the quality of our life for a reason. Like the fan, it gets hot and none of us are good at bearing it. The games are for team bonding. 

 

DeDON'T: The waffle maker and the wierd thing.

 

Ingrid: Flayn is Flayn. It's simple as that. 

 

Depression: [Ur welcome Dedue. ](https://www.etsy.com/listing/672951109/cute-pokemon-air-plant-holder?source=aw&awc=10781_1564886675_a9d34b97bb0badab040bcc239b13fc96&zanpid=10781_1564886675_a9d34b97bb0badab040bcc239b13fc96&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_source=affiliate_window&utm_campaign=au_buyer&utm_content=349263&utm_term=141123)

 

DeDON'T: Ok never mind all of this is necessary. 


	57. The One Starring the Verdant Wolves

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of these ocs are mine. (North, Andres, & Brandon)

North von Kyuren: Sup Fuckers!? 

 

Edgelord: I swear to fucking Seiros if you hotboxed your common room again.

 

Reinhardt: Wrong answer. They hotboxed the order. It made Shade pass out so she can't hurt herself. Currently hiding in Rigel with Berkut and playing with his cat.

 

Andres: Yo is my sister here?

 

Reinhardt: No. Shade blocked her from this chat for "being a buzz kill."

 

North von Kyuren: VERDANTS ORGY IN THE CHATROOM!

 

Reinhardt: No. There are children in this chat.

* * *

**Verdant Wolves Chat**

North: Wow that guy is strict. 

 

And: That's what my sister wrote. But now it's reasonable. Did we have to hotbox the order?

 

Brandon: YES. More room for us

 

Brynn: I GOT CHEETOS

 

Kyra: I GOT FUCKIN MOUNTAIN DEW!

 

Kalani: I got the pot brownies.

 

Kalani: FUck! Seth stole all our bongs! He can't take my brownies! 

 

And: Shit! We gotta get them back! 

 

Brandon: Kyra go get the Setheth/Jeralt smut. Brynn, go get the romance novels and Harley. Execute plan 666.

 

Harley: :0)

* * *

**Main Chat**

_**Edgelord has added Setheth** _

 

Setheth: Please stop these hellions. 

 

Depression: It wasnt the Golden Deer we swear.

 

Setheth: No. The Verdant Wolves. They're trying to summon something and have so much damn smut of me.

 

Reinhardt: Sending Leon to your location. 

 

Depression: Let me guess, you took away their bongs?

 

Setheth: Yes.

 

Depression: That's how to contain them. They're either stoned out of their minds or little hellions. There's no in between. 

 

Setheth: @Ragna help me. 

 

Ragna: 

 

Setheth: Ragna! They brought the clowns!

 

Setheth: RAGNAAAAAA!

 

_**Setheth is offline** _

 

Reinhardt: Oh god they killed him. 

 

Flayn: He won't be missed. 

 

Flayn: Fuck who am i going to annoy now?

 

Reinhardt: NO. Not me. 

 

Flayn: 

 

Edgelord: OH FUCK!


	58. The One Where Ragna is very disappointed™️

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ragna is tired and I have vomitted up ramen

Songstress: Yo what’s the answer for #4? I’m stuck between A and D

 

Sylvain: I got Abraham Lincoln and I don’t even know who that is

 

CaSPAR: I got C. Try plugging in the answers!

 

Songstress: Thanks! 

 

Hilda: What’s #2?

 

Songstress: B!

 

Blythe:  (″ロ゛)

 

Claude: My question is how did Sylvain get Abraham Lincoln and we don’t even know who the fuck that is? 

 

Blythe: 〣( ºΔº )〣

 

Sylvain: We’re in the heroes chat By, no one can see us here. 

 

Reinhardt: 

 

Reinhardt: She can see this chat. You dumb fucks invited her. 

 

Ferdinand: Yo I got the answer key!

 

**Ferdinand has sent 3 Images!**

 

Hilda: Seiros bless you you magical motherfucker. 

 

Blythe: ─=≡Σ((( つ＞＜)つ

 

_ Blythe has left the chat _

 

Blair: Now look what you fuckers did! (ﾒ` ﾛ ´)

 

* * *

**Private Chat (Ragna, Ferdinand, Dorothea, Caspar, Hilda and Sylvain)**

Ragna: (︶︹︺)

 

Ragna: 

 

Ragna: Why is it always you 4? 

Dorothea: I swear I was only asking for help. 

Ragna: ON A MATH EXAM.

Ferdinand: Edelgard made me do it! 

Sylvain: I didn’t even do anything???

Ragna: you were trying to give her answers even though you got fucking Abraham Lincoln and that’s not even someone from Fodlan. That’s one of Shade’s bullshit things. 

Hilda: Screenshoted. :3c

Hilda: So long to your nonexistent teaching degree.

Ragna: What if I told you

Ragna: I don’t give a fuck. Rhea might not be archbishop anymore but that doesn’t mean you little shits can free roam. 

Caspar: Good luck dealing with dad then. 

Ragna: I’ll fight him. Or maybe I’ll bring up the unwanted photos you took of Linhardt in the locker room. See what he thinks after that. 

Ragna: Or all of the homework you’re missing. I have all of it archived.

Ragna: Or should I bring in the other professors and their comments about you. I’m sure that Professor Manuela would love to talk about you calling her a bitchy hag to her face after she told you no sparring with Dimitri in the middle of the hallway. 

Ferdinand: (＃`Д´)

Ragna: Ur not off the hook either Ferdinand. We all found your pony obsession. And the rainbow dash plush you jerk off into. See bout them beastiality charges. 

Sylvain: Can I just take the detention? 

Dorothea: Yeah me too.

 

Ragna: @Dorothea @Sylvain: And stable duty? 

 

Sylvain: Yes mam! 

Ragna: You two are free to go. Let this be your warning. ψ( ` ∇ ´ )ψ

 

* * *

**Private Chat (Dorothea+Sylvain)**

Dorothea: Never again.

Sylvain: I’m gonna keep my dumb answers to myself until after the quiz.

Dorothea: Wait why wasn’t Claude in trouble?

Sylvain: Somethin bout him turning it in before the chat and he wasn’t giving answers. 

Dorothea: I’m shocked Ferdinand can still attend class being in Gay Baby Jail.

 

* * *

**Private Chat (Ragna+Seteth)**

Ragna: These kids are a fucking nightmare. 

Seteth: And you forgot Caspar hitting on Flayn about her ASS when all she wanted was a pencil. 

Ragna: SHIT. Adding that to his file. 

  
  



	59. The one Where Ragna May or may not have kidnapped people

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I express my distaste for Lorenz

**_Ragna has added 5 new members to the chat!_ **

 

**_Ketchum has changed Linhardt’s name to Sleepy Snorlax!_ **

  
  


Depression: Professor, most of the people you “recruited” are from the Black Eagles

 

Depression: And when I say recruited I mean kidnapped

 

Songstress: Mitri… We came to u willingly. No kidnapping involved. Prof just really inspired us

 

Bernie: No more kidnapping please. 

 

Ragna: Oh shi forgot about that Bern

 

Ragna: I also would’ve recruited Leonie and Petra but that’s a no from them.

 

Ragna: And Hubert if he weren’t so damn loyal to Edgelord mc fuck face. 

 

Mr htpnts:  _ Ragna: I love all my students equally *earlier* I don’t give a shit about Edelgard or Lorenz _

 

Harry Painter: I’m pretty sure Lorenz doesn’t have ears so he makes up for it with a foot fetish. 

 

mr htpnts: like this?

 

mr htpnts: 

 

Ingrid: SYLVAIN!!!!!

 

Cat: I only saw Camilla at first and straight up thought Sylvain sent fucking porn into the chat

Marianne: Well I mean, Sylvain’s not wrong. 

Marianne: When we met the Corrins in askr I caught Lorenz jerking off in the hotel room to a picture of their feet. 

Ketchum: (⊙_⊙)

Cat: Is it just me or is the tea really hot? Today it’s really invigorating me. 

Marianne: He tried to go for Ken’s hair style but ended up wanting to speak to the manager. 

Lysithia: (O.O) HOLY SHIT MARI!!!!

Marianne: And post timeskip he just looks like Sonya and Leon’s forgotten affair child since ya know, Leon likes dicks n all. 

Marianne: There’s a reason his middle name is HELLMAN 

Ragna: Child why are you so angry???

Marianne: no I just don’t like him. 

 

Depression:  _ Ragna to anyone she remotely likes:  _ [ _ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJSLC_Q3bOI _ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJSLC_Q3bOI)

Ingrid: Professor Ragna, taking a new level to Flower Shower since 1180! 

Marianne: (ʘ‿ʘ✿)

Marianne: @Bernie (ʘ‿ʘ)ノ✿ Hold my flower

Bernie: ✿＼(｡-_-｡) I got chu flower. 

Flayn: Pardon my language but

 

Flayn: 

Flayn: Cyril is the Dark Pit to Anthony’s Pit. I mean think about it! 

Flayn: Both lost their parents and found someone new to train under, while Anthony takes the very much lighthearted way to victory, Cyril’s just closed off and edgy. 

Cyril: I would be offended but hey, you’re not wrong. 

Ragna: Things that make this even better, that Silas kid has the same va as Pit/Dark Pit.

Ragna: OH SHIT I GOTTA GO MAKE SURE HE ISN’T EATING FLOOR ICE CREAM AGAIN!!!!

**_Ragna is idle_ **

Depression: That was awkward. 


	60. The one where the canon 3H characters can't be trusted w a group chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some heavy spoilers for Seteth and Flayn's backstory/paralouge.

**_Ragna has created a new group chat_ **

 

**_Ragna has added 45 Members to the chat!_ **

 

**_Ragna has given Blair, Blythe, Seteth,Jeralt and Catherine Moderator Privileges!_ **

 

Sunflower Boy: Why is my name this?

 

Ragna: U like sunflowers and they make me happy. 

 

Fleche: @Cat good news is your dad is alive

 

Cat: But how!???? 

 

Fleche: Bad news is I accidentally stabbed out his appendix. Like that shit came out of the body as I pulled the knife out.

 

Stabby Sora: Stabby Dad friend!!!!

 

Fleche: Hol on Kron

 

**_Fleche has changed their name to Murder Mimi_ **

Murder Mimi: We match! 

Randolph: That’s cool and all but one of these bastards fucking stabbed me! 

Depression: Be glad it wasn’t in your nuts. :3c

Edgelord: Can I add in one more person? Just wanna make my DnD group complete. 

Ragna: Fine but make it quick. 

**_Edgelord has added MOTHER RUSSIA to the chat!_ **

 

MOTHER RUSSIA: Oh god the foot fetishist is here. 

Flayn: But is no one talking about Edgelord’s DND campaign team or what ever?

Always Watching: Yes we have one. It’s me (the main DM), Edelgard (stunning half tiefling in paladin’s armor), Fleche (the goblin bard who won’t stop setting everything on fire), Randolph (the only not murder hobo), and Ladislava (the drunken warlock who won’t stop hitting on every door guard to try and let us out).

Ketchum: Oh! That reaper kid we saw in Askr runs those! I can try and ask Mr. Reinhardt for his contact info so you guys can meet up with ideas! 

Ingrid: The one who looks like he has a mop on his head?

Depression: Believe it or not that’s not the first time he’s been called that. 

Depression: First victim was Hector. Honestly he had it coming. 

Stabby Sora: Can I confess to something? And not be executed for it?

Ragna: Go on. Seteth isn’t paying attention so I’m sitting on his lap as he does paperwork.

Stabby Sora: That Monica girl back then? That was still me. That’s what I  used  to look like and that used to be my name. I only disappeared for a year bc they had more freaky experiments for me to witness. That time at the academy was the only time I felt like myself because I wasn’t under the watchful eye of any Reinhardt sound alike. Even if I was only collecting intel on the monastery. 

**_Seteth is online_ **

Stabby Sora: Mr Seteth pwease don’t kill me I don’t want to die. I’ll do anything fow you. Uwu

 

Seteth: 

 

Flayn: DID MY FATHER JUST M E M E ! ? 

Ragna:  **_F L A Y N_ **

Ragna: Your not supposed to be talking about that!!!

Ragna: SHIT

Edgelord: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Depression: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Meme Man: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Always Watching: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

DeDON’T: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

World Is Mine Bitch: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Mr htpnts: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Cat: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Ingrid: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Bernie: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Ketchum: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Sleepy Snorlax: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

CaSPAR: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Songstress: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Bip bip enfoire: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Hulk giving Ant Man a Taco: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

I AM FERDINAND VON AEGIR: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Annette: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Harry Painter: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

AMERICA EXPLAIN: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Mr Steal Your Virginity: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Cyril: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Lysithia: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Catherine: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

Seteth: EVEN THE **STAFF!?**

Shamir: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Marianne: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Blythe: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Blair: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Daddy Jeralt: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Manuela: Kinky name there Jeralt

Daddy Jeralt: Blame the hellspawn who showed me this 

Smol Buff Cheeto Puff: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Yandere Palutena: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Seteth: RHEA!!!!!! 

Ragna: Guess we gotta explain this.

Seteth: I’m actually quite young looking but I’m older than all of you put together so Flayn is technically my daughter but since we look about the same age range we masquerade as siblings to keep us safe and stalkers off of us. 

Meme Man: Makes sense to me ya fucking boomer, come on, I need to teach you about burger king foot lettuce. 

 

**Manuela has sent an Image**

**_Ragna has temporarily removed Flayn, Cyril, Ashe, Annette, Fleche,Lysithea and Marianne_ **

**Manuela has sent another image**

Meme Man: @Magic Man

Depression: @Magic Man

Edgelord: @Magic Man

Ragna: @FBI

Sunflower Boy: Why would you do that when there are clearly underaged children here? 

**Manuela has sent 5+ Images**

**_Magic Man is online_ **

Magic Man: GOOD GRIEF SHE’S NAKED!

Magic Man: I can see why this is a problem. I’m removing the booze and the camera from the device. 

Manuela: They’ve mauled monsters and man to death I’m sure they can handle a naked body or two. 

Magic Man: But not one of a 50+ YEAR OLD WOMAN AND SHE’S THEIR TEACHER 

Magic Man: So please, no more of your F- Porno. I’ve seen Marianne’s eyebags firmer than your baby hole. 

**_Manuela has been kicked from the chat_ **

**_Many images have been deleted from the chat._ **

 

Meme Man: Did Prof. Hanneman just call Prof. Manuela’s pussy saggier than Marianne’s eyebags? Because that’s a new record. 

****

Marianne: Leave me out of this.

****

Seteth: Did she send this to the wrong chat or is she a cougar? 

****

Cyril: Can we add Gatekeeper in her place?

****

Ragna: I would but he doesn’t have a phone ;-; 

****

Daddy Jeralt: Can someone explain what the fuck just happened!?

****

Meme Man: Her pussy wasn’t poppin the p. 

****

Meme Man: It’s like thinking of a naked grandma. It just kills every ounce of boner you have. 

****

Murder Mimi: Is it just me or did her tiddies look more like a ballsack than actual tiddies?

****

CaSPAR: AUNT FLECHE! 

****

Randolph: FLECHE!!! 

****

Sunflower Boy: I mean she isn’t wrong. 

****

Seteth: ALOIS!!!! 

****

**Gilbert is online**

 

** Gilbert:  **

 

**Gilbert is offline**

****

**Gilbert has left the chat**

****

Sunflower Boy: I mean he’s not wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chat we stan Alois


	61. Operation: Animal Control TW!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Rape, hints of pedophilia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I don't recommend this chapter for the faint of heart, it disgusted me to even write this so...

**_Ragna has created a new chat!_ **

 

**_Ragna has added 10 Users to the chat_ **

 

**_Seteth has changed the chat name to Why did Rhea hire a Cougar?_ **

 

Sunflower Boy: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kbaL_h_rby8>

 

Ragna: Point exactly. Like why would she be here???? They got rid of the one commenting about girl's butts but not the one who sent nudes to like 30 underaged kids?

 

Ragna: Thankfully, I have proof of the nudes before Magic Man deleted them and I am so glad he deleted them. 

 

Catherine: Guys, I got sent this message from Cyril

 

**Catherine has sent 2 images, transcript provided**

 

_ Cyril: I know Ragna removed me from the chat when it happened… But that’s not the first time I’ve seen her nude…. _

 

_ Catherine: ? _

 

_ Cyril: See, I was getting up in the middle of the night for some reason and she kidnapped me into one of the cathedrals by my arm, obviously drunk and I told her that she needed to go to bed since ya know drunk. She then proceeded to rip both of our clothes off… I can’t go on… _

 

_ Catherine: I get the picture. I’m very proud for telling me. _

 

_ Cyril: Huh!? _

 

_ Catherine: It’s hard coming up about something like this. Especially when you have daily contact with the person in question _

 

_ Cyril: So your not mad that I didn’t enjoy it? _

 

_ Catherine: You obviously gave your answer of no, and she refused to respect it. Rape’s horrible no matter how you look at it, male or female.  _

 

_ Cyril: Right… After she stopped I just kept running and ran straight into Raph. And just cried.  _

 

_ Catherine: Thank you for telling me this. I’ll make sure to bring this up to Seteth. _

 

_ Cyril: Could you keep it anonymous? _

 

_ Catherine: Sure kid.  _

 

Shamir: Who hurt my son… I just wanna talk… 

 

Jeralt: No Shamir, we’re not pulling a Monica. 

 

Ragna: Wait son?

 

Shamir: He doesn’t know it yet but we just got the adoption papers!

 

Seteth: Back to the topic at hand. We have at least 5 incriminating screenshots. 

 

Ragna: Wait, make that 6. Dorothea just dm’ed me. 

 

**_Ragna has sent an image! Transcript provided!_ **

 

_ Dorothea: So back at the opera house, she always talked about how good looking everyone was, I thought it was normal since I thought a lot of them were attractive looking too. Then she started talking about how perky some of their boobs were. Note: Mainly on the clearly looks and probably is under 18 crowd. I just got uncomfortable and spent as little time as possible near her after that. Now I feel shitty that I didn’t report it earlier.  _

 

_ Ragna: I’m proud of you for coming forward about this. I knew it was the right decision to accept you into the Blue Lions, just not in the way I expected. _

 

_ Dorothea: Thanks teach ;) _

 

Tuxedo Mask 2.0: I’m willing to teach the remaining Black Eagles in her place. 

 

Seteth: Thank you Jeritza. 

 

Tuxedo Mask 2.0: Oh, I have a message from my older sister. 

 

**_Tuxedo Mask 2.0 has sent an Image! Transcript provided!_ **

 

_ Merci: So during a couple of the choir practices I saw her really focused on Bern and Ferdi  (who were on the second row of stands) and I paid no mind to it until I realized she was making eye contact with their crotches more so than their mouths. No wonder Bern never wanted to leave her room.  _

 

_ Tuxedo mask 2.0: Thank you. I hope we can have our usual lunch plans? _

 

_ Merci: Of course! _

 

Ragna: Dude Mercedes and Jeritza are related!?

 

Tuxedo Mask 2.0: Would you believe she’s older than me? 

 

Ragna: The fuck? Anyways adding perform a magic trick on Count Varley onto my to do list. 

 

Blair: I have something to add. 

 

Ragna: ?

 

Blair: One time I was passing out papers for class (that she was subbing when you were puking your lungs out) and I felt something grab my ass. I look to see where Sylvain is, and he’s outside the classroom getting a drink of water. Then I see her in front of me in the row making sure all the phones were off n such, that’s when I put 2n2 together. She grabbed my ass. 

 

Jeralt:  **P̴̡̧̠͎͚̳͇͉̽̽̒̑̋̉̋̏̂͆̏͝ͅĄ̴̭͈̜̟̱͔̼̬͍͑̂͜P̴̢͇̖̻̰̼͔͉͍͚͔͕̞̋̌͋͒͘͘Ạ̴̧͍̯͖̃̇͑̑͛ ̶̦͍̘̟̗̉̅Ẇ̶͎͇͓̣̣̀͛̈͊̄̂͂̇͒̊̊O̵̧̖̘̦̹̬͎̹̣̾͑͊̑̐̂͒͜͝Ľ̵̤̀̋́̋̿F̶̝̹̱̰͗̄͊̕ͅ ̴̧̡̞̥̹̫͓̜̖̲͚̙̓̂̓͒̀̈̀̕͜͜͜M̴̦̑̽͋̀̇̇̽̒͒͗̄̽͊͒̚Ǫ̶̟̗̅̔̿̔̉̾͆͝͝Ḑ̷̛͈̹͔̩̙̪̍͗̾̕̚͜͝͝͝Ȩ̷̧͔̼̘̰͎̹̃̑̈͆͊͋͛̍͊̿͌͝ͅͅ ̴̛̮̫͙͚̻̍̊̆͊͗̚É̶̛͇̦̮͈̼͚͙͚̗̦̣̤̂ͅN̵̢͓̣̼̖͎͆̄̏͋͋̓̎̓̍̋͝G̶͈̱̙̤̅͊̇͒͜À̸̠̫̦̞͇̤̝̙̹͒͊͂̐̊̈͌͒̚̕͜͜G̸̛̖̮͑͛̋̓͛͆͋̃̈́̾͛̍E̵̼̘̲̳̪̗̣̾̔̈́̅̐̍Ḑ̵̹̻̲̙̠͈̘͚̣̳̼͋̎̕͘ͅ**

 

Ragna: Guys, wait to murder her, I got this from Ferdinand

 

**_Ragna has sent an image! Transcript provided!_ **

 

_ Ferdinand: I’m sure Thea already told you about the crotch thing but she also was talking about how strong my voice was and how I’d make a good daddy to her kids??? And how great I’d be in bed after she watched my lance training? *shudders*  _

 

_ Ragna: Thank you for this.  _

 

Catherine: *Rhea voice* Electric Chair *law and order noises*

 

Sunflower Boy: I’m glad I’m apart of this staff. She wouldn’t have stood a chance if it were just me.

 

Blair: So do we have enough evidence? 

 

Seteth: Yes. 

 

**_Seteth has added Rhea to the chat!_ **

 

Ragna: Please scroll up and please don’t kill us. 

 

Rhea: 

 

Seteth: 

 

Rhea: 

 

Ragna: Why do you have that?

 

Rhea: Why is there a cougar on my property?

 

Blair: There's a cat that Ashe overfed on accident. 

 

Rhea: No, it stands on two legs, seemingly has breasts but at the same time has no restraint on fucking anything that moves. 

 

Ragna: SHIT.

 

Rhea: She's coming to my office now. gtg destroy some thots. 

 

_**Rhea is offline** _

 

Ragna: She may be against this but she still creeps me the fuck out. 

 

Jeralt: Agreed. Someone get the kids, we've gotta do a parenting 101. 

* * *

 

**Three Hoes sitting in a hot tub, 5 feet apart because their all related in some way**

Ragna: Current Mood

 

Ragna: 

 

Edgelord: ?

 

Seteth: Prof. Manuela is no longer teaching, manning the infirmary or to be associated with by Garreg Mach in any way shape or form. 

 

Cyril: ~~thank you~~

 

Meme Man: Bro, what's with the strikethrough text?

 

Cyril: Nothing. Nothing at all... 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cyril's incident is actually from this fic->https://archiveofourown.org/works/20126230 (you do need to be a registered user to read it.) And it actually portrays that men can get raped in a realistic way. Highly recommend, it's not porn for the sake of porn. And a lot of this chapter does take inspiration from the idea of Mineta gets expelled bc no one likes his actions.


	62. THIS IS NOT A DRILL

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aka my live reactions to this alt banner

Shade: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Elem7z8yVw

 

Shade: WE HAVE A BANNER WITH NO FATEAKENING ALTS AND IT’S THE DANCING BANNER

  
Shade: WE GOT A GREEN REINHARDT

 

Shade: AND BERKUT IS INFANTRY

 

Shade: WE GOT AN ISHTAR ALT AND A NEPH ALT

 

Shade: AND RINEA IS THE FREE UNIT. RIP MY FUCKING VIRIGINITY, MY ORBS AND MY SOUL

 

Shade: Also I summoned Duma.

 

Berkut: BITCH FITE ME U FUCKIN BAGEL GOBLING CUNT

 

Leif: QUIT HORDING THE FUCKING ALT JUICE TINY HANDS CUNT

 

Reinhardt: 1. I only get an alt once a year unlike Cowmilfa. 2. Julia had it first. 3. FUck you, u nonbinaryphobic ass.

 

_**Berkut has added Rinea to the chat** _

 

Ken: I guess she’s ur dancing queen then?

 

Berkut: U funky lil emo bastard i luv u so much. Not as much as Rinea but still

 

 


	63. The one where we do some crossovers

Shade: HOLY SHIT IT'S AN EMERGENCY!

 

Anthony: I'm coming to smash or heroes?

 

Leon: Valbar's here!?

 

Berkut: DUMA WILL FINALLY LEAVE ME ALONE!?

 

Shade: Nah

 

Shade: <http://www.setsunakou.com/ufo/digimonhumans.html>

 

Shade: @Ken @Sam

 

Shade: If I order these will that freak you out?

 

Ken: 1, thank you for asking. 2, not at all as there's stylistic choices to it. 3, Even though he can't come on, my brother is screaming that there's merch of him that Koi didn't make

 

Richter: Speaking of emergencies

 

_**Richter has sent he screm.mp4** _

 

Richter: So the kid smashers needed escorts to the halloween store, so me and Foxy Grandpa Simon went with them. Worst mistake ever.

 

RADiant Hero: Was Alucard/Dracula the cashier?

 

Richter: no. We found sexy nun costumes and then he straight up caused thousands of dollars in  store merchandise damage via holy water and then destroying the elaborate vampire display they had which costs more than Shade's crippling addiction to Taco Bell

 

Ken: If you think her taco bell addiction's bad, wait until you see the number's on Hades' credit card because Sam stole it.

 

PaluBAEa: so that explains a lot.

 

Pit: I mean better it be with him and his orbs rather than mass destruction.

 

Ken: But he could also not spend the credit card????

 

Kronya: Does he have the pin for Hades'? Cuz we accidentally maxed Solon's buying Garreg Mach's Halloween supplies. 

 

PaluBAEa: NO WE AREN'T GIVING IT TO YOU

 

Rinea: So is it ok if we celebrate halloween with all these gods around?

 

Tiki: It's ok from me, mom and Aunt Mila

 

Duma: It's an ok from me AND WHAT THE FUCK THIS LITTLE GREMLIN THREW A FUCKING BOX OF BAGEL BITES AT ME AND NOW MY NOSE IS ALL SWOLEN AND BLEEDING

 

Ken: Next time on Death Battle, Duma the mad god vs a little gremlin with a good throwing arm.

 

Berkut: Just checked, gremlin in question is Anthony. We might have to see if him and dimitri are related. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If anyone would like to get me those plushes, id be greatful


End file.
